Misadventures in Lost Alien Tech
by KittyMayhem
Summary: What happens when you mix Alien Flowers, a weird shot of light, and three days of being under the influence? You get an strange version of "What to expect when you're expecting" starting a certain redhead. Stanford/Vert pairing  mpreg  Warnings inside.
1. Mishap 1

**Authors Note:**

_Hello everyone!_

_Okay, I know y'all are looking at me like "Where have you fucking been?" or something else similar to that, and I have an answer! A good one...well, it was a lie at first but not so much when I think about the actual reason I was gone for a moment._

_I had KNEE SURGERY! XD_

_Surprisingly, it was the second one I've had on my left knee. Hurt like hell. But, that's over. _

_Oh, and my muses hop from location to location. :P_

_I'm pretty sure you're probably wondering why I haven't picked up my other story for a while. I'm not going to lie, I lost some mojo for it. Yeah, sad, but it happens to the best of us._

**Vert:** She choked on the hot scenes!

**Me:** HURSH before you end up the target of choice!

_Anyhow...I will be returning to "Misadventures of Dating" In January of 2012. Right now however, I'm about to put my foot where I said I wasn't going to because aliens...and Stanford...and my obsession with the Vert/Stanford pairing that people can't seem to write decently in most cases...has spurred me to belt this little baby out._

_If you're aware of what I write, then this should be of no surprise to you._

_If not, we're talking about an **MPREG** here!_

_Before you go all apeshit, remember...there are ALIENS in this fic, so by right I have the means to produce a fic without it sounding like some baseless crap with the sudden popping up of the preggers. No, we're not doing that. In fact, if you choose to read this, you'll see that I might have had some inspiration from another series..._

_And that Stanford is the victim of my sudden desire for him to be part female. _

**Stanford:** If she wasn't so compelling I would run away.

**Me:** No twins.

**Stanford:** Yes!_  
><em>

**_A couple of quick warnings:_**

- Yes this is a slash fic.

- No there isn't any graphic details of sex

- Yes there is mpreg in here technically...which brings me to mention that there is mention of hermaphrodites.

- No there is no rape or anything similar. I don't write that shit.

- No, please don't come flying off the handle with negative commentary. If you don't like it find something else to read.

- No I don't anyone in here. I just use them for my entertainment._  
><em>

_Ten thousand points to anyone who can answer the questions at the end of this fic!_

_Onward to the madness!  
><em>

* * *

><p><strong>Misadventures in Alien Tech<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Mishap 1:<br>**

_Weird freakish moments that should never be classified as possible_

_a.k.a._

_Alien Technology + Stanford = Not so good…_

* * *

><p>"What are we looking at this time? Something lost and found again? Sentient tech that we must recover before the red freaks get his hands on it? What?"<p>

Vert had to laugh a little at Spinner's question. It seemed like every other mission that was the case. There was something vital for them to find and recover, they fought the reds or the vandals, and they usually went home grinning because they won or something had upset the battle so both sides lost with little casualties. The best part about any mission was coming home alive…amongst other things that were fun.

He purposely tapped on the window that would allow him to see Stanford as he was idly bobbing his head to whatever he was blasting in the car this time. "Not sure on what it might be exactly," he said. Spinner made a noise similar to Tez when he was baffled about something, which within itself was rare enough to treasure. Stanford noticed him staring through their link and winked, blowing him a kiss in-between shifting gears. His waggled his brows in response and made a mental note to check his personal items when they got back.

"Does Sage have any idea of what it could be?" Spinner asked.

"I do not know what it is exactly," Sage answered. She was always listening in, and always giggling at the antics between Vert and Stanford when they were making faces at one another. It was never for long, but long enough to keep their anticipation at its peak and an incentive to hurry some of these missions up. "I do know that it is technology that is associated with Blue Sentients and could be of some use to us."

"Associated?" Agura asked. "You mean like mixed with someone else's tech?"

"It wasn't uncommon for other races within the universe to integrate and trade technologies with one another. It was a common practice when the usefulness of another technology further enhanced or helped another to work more efficiently. It is much like your commercial trade on earth."

"I can't imagine who you'd trade with."

"Indeed. Most of those other beings are light years from here now."

Agura didn't press for answers. She still had a hard time imagining that she was driving the Tangler sometimes, or that things like Vandals and Red Sentients existed. Sage she could deal with. She was cool. A little off sometimes, but good people. "Let's hope they're not up for a return trip anytime soon."

"We're coming up on the site guys," Sherman exclaimed. "I'm not picking up anything from any hostile people we know."

"Maybe because this place has been shut off for so long?" Spinner suggested.

They had learned from experience that there were certain zones that were forgotten or never spoken of. Not because they were dangerous. Some were that, but not all. There were zones that weren't spoken of because they were assumed to be legends or had been thought to have been cut off from the multiverse. The Shadow Zone itself was a byproduct, though there was no sure way there save thought Rawkus' interference or some odd coincidence where blue and red sentient tech combined. This particular zone had appeared out of nowhere, so it was in their best interests to check out whatever they could and gather what they could find before their enemies could alert themselves to the prize.

The stopped their cars just shy of their targeted area, amazed at scenery that awaited them. There had been sparse signs of flora all around them during their trip here, but the site itself was thriving with life. It was as if someone had ripped a piece of the tropics out of their home world and dropped it here without the pesky mosquitoes as Stanford put it a moment later. Vert had to be glad of that. There was nothing worse than a grouchy Stanford with a bite the size of a mutated zit on that alabaster skin. It made him want to swat anything that flew near that ass without his say so…not that they would have it.

Everyone hopped out of their vehicles. Tez, who had volunteered himself for the mission and benched Zoom with no more than a pressing look that made the smaller teen shiver in fright, was already scanning the area with his laptop. AJ had stayed behind as well, though had it been an icy realm he would have probably nudged his way in. Sherman was studying some of the plant life with a scanner, making his usual noises of interest. Vert kept an ear out for him. His noise changes save him from situations that could get complicated later.

"If it were about twenty degrees hotter, I'd swear we were in Brazil or something," Agura mused. "Some of these flowers are just so bizarre…"

"Some of them are bigger than Spinner's head," Stanford mused. "I think I see one that looks like him now…"

Spinner shoved Stanford away from him with a scowl. "I make the jokes, Brit, and the only joke I see is how your hair color actually accentuates some of this greenery."

"What's sad is that he's right," Agura giggled.

Stanford flipped them off and walked over to what he thought was a bush of some kind. He'd only taken a step forward when he tripped over something and landed face first into a bright red flower that was stripped yellow on the inside and smelt of something pleasantly fruity. He inhaled a great deal of pollen and sneezed like mad for the following thirty seconds, grabbing hold of something in front of him to keep him from losing his head.

He didn't notice that it wasn't a bush. He really didn't see that it was a platform of some kind, one that activated the technology that they were sent to find. Everything was getting hazier and hazier, until he was on another level completely, not hearing the sound of alarm coming from the others until it was much too late.

* * *

><p>"It like, popped up out of nowhere!" Spinner exclaimed. "This…THING…it looked like a gun but, it wasn't e-exactly a gun? You know?"<p>

Zoom shook his head. "No I don't know, but I'm not sure I want to know, you know?"

"I know! Man it was so freaky! It like, shot up and just AIMED and shot this light out that we thought was going to vaporize him…I never seen Vert freak so bad!"

"Yeah well, I'd freak out too…if it were my fiancé…"

"Yeah...Wait, what?"

Zoom blinked at Spinner and pointed without looking at Sherman snickering to the right of them. "Don't tell me he doesn't know."

"I won't tell you," Sherman chuckled.

"Know what?" Spinner asked, "That you two suck _cahones_? And SHUT UP cause I don't want to know if you do or don't…or WHOSE," he cried when his little brother opened his mouth. He slapped his hands over his ears shouting, "la-la-la-LA—I don't hear you or see you!" He couldn't quite help but see when AJ draped himself all over Sherman's shoulders and none to subtly bit his neck with a smirk worthy of Jack Nicholson. "Oh jeez…get a room! And preferably not mine!"

"Horny teenagers, the whole lot of us," Zoom smirked. "Oh, how it sucks to be Spinner trapped in the hormone induced world of men. May he never drop the soap."

"He drops it all the time," AJ leered.

"DUDE, it was that ONE time and how was I supposed to know that it was that kind of gym!" Spinner cried. He threw the first thing he had in his hand at AJ's head and sent the empty can flying into the opening door with Agura and Tez staring down at it and then him. "Whoops?"

"You should have known when the first guy who offered to spot you was wearing a jockstrap…in the locker room...AFTER he'd gotten DONE with his own workout."

"I thought he was being nice!"

"He was being nice to the possibility of tapping your pert ass."

"AJ!"

"I call it like I see it."

Spinner all but jumped when Zoom grabbed him from behind. "It is kind of pert," he mused. "Tight too…must be all the anal retention."

"You guys are making butt jokes again, or making fun of Spinner's fear of men hitting on him?" Agura asked.

"Both."

"Sweet."

"We can talk about that later," Zoom said. "Well…we can talk about that now, but I want to know what that thing was that supposedly shot Stanford with this weird light you were talking about. Now, what happened again?"

Zoom had never, ever in his entire time of knowing his teammates see them get so quiet…or so embarrassed. Spinner's cheeks were looking like tomatoes, and Tez was decidedly uncomfortable. Agura had her eyes averted, arms folded around her stomach and seconds from bursting out into nervous laughter. Sherman, while not as embarrassed as the others were, did rub the back of his head, trying to word it the best way he knew how without having to relive whatever he'd seen.

Eventually someone spilled the beans, but it wasn't who he'd thought it would be.

"Guys?"

"They got a show they weren't ever supposed to see," Vert said. He waltzed into the room, looking rumpled, worn out, but pleasingly sated in ways that had him relaxed in areas he didn't think could be counted as boneless. His hair was sticking up in several different directions, all of that due to insistent hands tugging at it and Vert himself when things didn't move quicker than they should have. He yawned tiredly, moving past the others to find a Gatorade in the fridge.

He took a long swig of his bottle, downing half of it in a minute. "Shit, this isn't going to be enough…"

"W-what isn't going to be enough?" Zoom asked.

"This." He raised the empty bottle, chucking it into the trash and grabbing several more before shutting the door. "I'm going to need someone to make a run and get about three more cases of these…and about four cases of water."

"A run? Dude, what in the hell happened, and why do you need that much sugar/water a.k.a. zit inducers?"

"Pollen. Aphrodisiac. Light. Horny Stanford. Pollen on me. Horny me. Be back in three days. AJ!"

"I'm on it bruh," AJ assured. "I'll leave it by your door, all right?"

Vert didn't stay long enough to thank him. He rushed out of there, bombarded by a waiting Stanford tugging at his pants and tearing them off before he could get down the corridor. They barely were out of sight, but earshot was another story. Zoom didn't ever think that he would ever feel the blood drain from his face from something he knew to be a daily thing between those two, but hearing it to confirm it! "Um…that's just a little much, dude," he muttered. "Someone want to tell me WHY they're like that?"

* * *

><p>"The pollen from the flowers you brought back as specimens were from a planet similar to this one but thought to be extinct by a race of people similar to humans. Their life spans were longer, and their physiology was unique to them in the fact that not a female was born among them."<p>

"Not one single female?"

"No," Sage answered. "There were never any females in their race. Theirs was a male genus race that was not compatible with strictly female orientations."

Sherman stared at the flower in the containment unit thoughtfully. Tez was aside him, but his attention was on Vert and Stanford sleeping soundly on a bed that had been provided by Sage the moment she deemed them to be quarantined. For sterility's sake she'd said, as well as the sanctity of everyone who was subject to walk in on them wherever they may have been. Not that everyone could say that they were pure in that respect, but their eyes could only take but so much. Spinner had taken to being cooped up in his room, the music blasting in his ears to keep from hearing them…until they'd done it against his door.

Spinner was probably still scrubbing the outside of it.

"So, the pollen is a stimulant for sexual provocation," Tez mused. "But why? And what was that light for?"

"I've scanned Stanford, and I've the results from his scan and his blood work," Sage said. "I have often wondered what became of the technology that we'd given these people to help regenerate life…but I never would have imagined that they would use it in such a manner. It certainly explains a few things; amongst them why some of those males were feminine in appearance…I simply thought that they were like cellular beings…dissecting themselves to provide young to populate their societies. I was quite naïve then."

"You...want to let us in on the secret?" Sherman asked.

She looked up from her musing, covering her mouth when he realized she'd been muttering to herself. "My apologies…"

"Sage? Is something wrong?"

"Not in the sense that it is bad, no. But different…yes. You see, you know that blue and red sentients use chambers to regenerate themselves when they are injured, correct?"

"That technology is highly unstable in the wrong hands," Tez said. "But it is useful for the battles that can and will occur over the course of the ongoing war. However, I'm to be believing that you, or your people, traded the basis of this technology that allowed these people to regenerate basic cells or to help aid in healing faster, correct?"

"We did…and what they did with it is nothing shy of brilliant…unfortunately, it's so brilliant that its effects are irreversible…and meant only for those who were chosen for that task." Sage eyed the sleeping teens, sure that they would be knocked out for another several hours before they were up and at it again. When it wore off is when she would truly worry. "The flowers; the pollen is indeed a stimulant. It was meant to help take away whatever nervousness would be present before the ceremony took place."

"Ceremony?" Sherman asked.

"In some cultures, it was not uncommon for a newlywed couple to consummate their marriage in front of their people to show ownership," Sage said. "It is not a common practice now, but I believe these beings did this. What you found was an altar, and the machine that hit Stanford with its light was the result of gene altering and our technology merged to create something that would allow an all male species to survive without turning themselves over to their females."

It was Tez's turn to blink at her curiously. "Turning themselves over?"

"This race was dominated by males, yes…but the female of the species was much like your Queen Bee or Ant. Males would die once they mated with her, and she killed anyone that was deemed as a threat. Eventually they evolved so that no females would be born from them, and when the last female died, they evolved yet again…but there are certain aspects of evolution that can't be harvested right away, and while one problem did resolve itself…the other didn't."

"…oh my…"

"Are you telling me that these people did what I think they did?" Sherman cried. "It's not…it's not possible!"

"Oh, but many things are possible," Sage said softly, "Including this."

Tez and Sherman looked at the other before turning to the stirring forms of their teammates. Vert had his hand somewhere below the sheets, and Stanford was showing him how much he appreciated the effort to wake him. Sage hit the dimmer before Stanford could throw the sheets off of them and they could get yet another eyeful.

"So…who's going to tell Stanford?" Sherman asked.

Tez looked at Sage. "Not me."

* * *

><p><strong><span>Three days later:<span>**

"…holy shit I feel like I went ten rounds with the Buster…without my car…"

Vert nodded softly to that soft muttered assessment from the body lying on top of him limply. It was too much effort to move other than to breathe, and even that was a little much. They'd been lying like this for a solid two hours, simply trying to catch their breath and ignore the last few twinges of that infernal pollen finally working its way through them in its last dregs. Vert almost sobbed in relief when his little clone didn't get back up, and Stanford…if he wasn't so flipping worn out and screwed senseless, he might have danced a little jig.

He couldn't move his legs to even attempt it not that he would. It was just a little much lying with his legs as they were now, twined with Vert's and just as useless as the rest of him. He barely managed to drag his hand up enough to rest it more comfortably on Vert's chest. The pins and needles of feeling returning were better than a dead arm.

"Would you be offended if I told you I don't want to touch you for like…a day or so?" he muttered.

Vert lifted his head for a second and dropped it painfully on the pillow. "Make it two days, kissing excluded, and I'll let Simon be my best man."

"…you really fucking love me."

"I really fucking love you…and I'd love a shower."

"Me too…aagh!"

"Stanford?"

"My bleeding stomach hurts," Stanford hissed. It was enough to make him move, curling up into a ball that was riddled with an overall ache that made him moan pitifully into the bedding. Vert forced himself up to aid his lover, but stopped cold at the sight of blood.

"Oh, good!" Vert turned to see Sage walking toward them, opening the force field that had kept them contained for the past three days and waltzing right through as if this were normal. Perhaps it was…Vert had the decency to blush properly when he thought about the bits and pieces of what had gone on.

"What do you mean by that?" Stanford cried. "There is nothing good about this…"

"On the contrary, it means I was right and I can take the proper steps to make sure all is right and correct whatever abnormalities I find to the best of my ability…I've been doing a lot of research on this, so I have a ninety-nine percent understanding of all situations that may occur in the next five minutes."

Had she lost her mind? Stanford seemed to think so, yelping as she turned him back over and shoved Vert off of the bed. She was snapping on a pair of gloves next and then she was tugging him down so that his rear was on the very edge. She did grab a sheet from nearby, draping it over his crotch to give him some sort of privacy.

There was none to be had in the following ten seconds.

Stanford, completely baffled and embarrassed beyond his wildest imagination, screamed in complete horror when she forced his legs into stirrups. "W-what in the bleeding hell are you doing?" he cried. "I'm not a bloody woman!"

"On the contrary…you are."

"What?"

"Well, you're half woman anyhow…and I'm only making sure that you haven't torn from the excessive use of your sphincter…AJ mentioned that the last session was a little rougher than the rest. I was preoccupied at the time trying to learn all that I could about what happened to you and how best to aid you through this."

"Whoa, wait! TIME OUT!" Stanford cried. "Aid me through what? And just because I play catcher does not make me a bleeding girl!"

"Yeah, I'm a little confused myself," Vert said skeptically. "What are you going on about Sage? The last time I talked to you, you said that the pollen was an aphrodisiac and that since we inhaled so much of it that it would take about three days to work through our systems."

"What he said! Three days are over! I have no desire to be plowed by that monster dick for a while yet!"

"Flatterer."

"Shut it, Vert. And anyhow, what in bloody blazes—oh MY GOD, what are you touching!"

Sage rose from her position and crooked her finger over at Vert. Still unsure what this was all about, Vert waltzed over and stood in front of Stanford looking wildly down at them like someone had poured cold water all over his crotch. She lifted the blanket, and Vert, the stoic somewhat fearless leader that had faced off against many a foe and won with his life intact, felt the color drain from his face. Much to his utter horror, his little clone twitched in interest.

"Vert?"

"Oh holy shit…"

"Vert!"

"…h-how?"

"You stumbled upon an artifact belonging to an ancient race of people called the Na'muha," Sage explained. "What you found was their ancient martial grounds and where they go to consummate their marriage ritual before their people and for two days after their people leave them to themselves. It also serves another purpose…one that enables them to bear young without the use of their females."

"Wait, what now?" Stanford cried. "What's wrong with their females?"

"Well…they are much like your Black Widows," Sage mused. "After doing more research and contacting them with Rawkus' help, I learned more about their history. I'll tell you more about it as soon as I make sure—"

"Make sure of what! And where are you touching?"

"I believe this is your labia…"

It was too much for either man. Vert hit the ground with a sickening thud, and Stanford…Well, he passed out when Sage asked him if he wanted to see it for himself.

That's how the others found them, unconscious, nude, and Spinner sucking his teeth ever so slightly ending the awkward silence with, "Man, I knew we shouldn't have stopped for Za."

* * *

><p><em><strong>That's right people. I actually thought some of this out...and made the rest up. lol<strong>_

All right question time:

1: Can you tell me the meaning behind Nu'maha? I swear I will love you if you figure that out. :)

2: Can anyone tell me the inspiration behind the hidden realm? I'll give you a hint: A gate. :)

That's it! Next Chapter please!

Reviews are nice. Nice reviews are awesome. Ones that make a large impression will be answered. :)


	2. Mishap 2

**Author's Note:**

_Mmmm...I don't have too much to say...except this is going to get...weird. O.o_

* * *

><p><strong><em>Mishap 2:<br>_**

_What your mother and father should have explained but didn't_

_a.k.a._

_Stanford's Biology Lesson_

* * *

><p>"You want me to do what?"<p>

For once Stanford wasn't the one screaming. He'd done that to the point where he'd lost his voice properly and had little else to do or say than to sit there and look properly shocked, baffled, and shamed in the same breath. He had good reason to, now that his head was a little clearer and he remembered the exact moment everything had gone to hell in a hand basket.

After being blasted by that warm light, he vaguely remembered a tingling sensation through the befuddled muck that was his mind being sent into overload. Once the sneezing had stopped and he was snatched into the worried arms of his lover fearing the worst for him, Stanford remembered being harder than ever and unable to help himself from feasting upon the handsome creature that was his.

Said handsome creature was nursing the lump on the back of his head, no longer the ravenous male that wanted to devour all of him in moments and leave no part of him untouched. Vert was himself again, though confused, just as embarrassed, and still silent about his thoughts on the whole thing. He was currently seated about ten feet away from everyone, just sitting, watching, and trying to process this without passing out all over again.

Stanford never felt more alone in his life.

He wrung his hands together to keep himself from dwelling on that and refocused himself on the topic at hand. That would be Agura, reeling back in horror, hands thrust before her as if warding off evil and wondering if Sage was just that. Sage gave her a disarming smile, though it did little to calm Agura down. Stanford could understand. It wasn't everyday that the girl was asked to something she did in private for another teammate.

"Tampons? You want **me** to get him…**_Tampons_**!" Agura cried. "Oh that's so wrong…on **so** _many_ levels…"

Stanford fought not to cross his legs any tighter than he had. It was already uncomfortable, cramping like a mad person and unable to find relief until he'd begged for something to dull that ugly pain. Agura, bless her soul, had given him this magic little pill that he had put to memory as a godsend and a blessing from whatever gods thought that cramping should be a part of one's…monthly. Maybe they'd thought twice about the whole mesh and said let's not let them suffer too much…because frankly he didn't know of any deity wanting to be cursed monthly because they wanted to be spiteful.

**_Oh. Dear. God..._**

And just like that he was dropping his head in his hands and moaning pathetically when he realized just what he had been thinking. "Someone please wake me up from this nightmare!"

"You? Pfft, I'm the one who has to get you some ta—oh god, I can't even say it…"

"How do you think I feel!"

"The Na'muha said that you should feel as if your lower abdomen is slightly swollen, and you should be experiencing your first cycle," Sage said, clearly not understanding that what Stanford had said was a rhetorical question. No one sought to correct her either, too amused or unable to voice themselves without sounding like less of a man with the inevitable squeak that would come out of their mouths. "Are you feeling any differently?" Sage was at his side again, poking and prodding him gently with the care of a mother/doctor, which was just as weird as it was an hour ago. "You must let me know if you do."

Stanford rolled his eyes tiredly at nothing and everything. "For the last time, I feel relatively okay…minus the whole ick part that should not be a part of my anatomy…" No male should ever be intimate with that. Ever. Even if they were straight or bisexual in the case of himself and Vert, still listless in the corner with nothing to say. Stanford had always avoided women when this came about. It was like a sixth sense he'd honed, and it saved him many awkward moments when women were being a little too pushy for his tastes. Granted, he hadn't had a woman in a while now, but that didn't mean he needed to be reacquainted with them by becoming one. Sorry, HALF of one.

Okay. He wasn't going to acknowledge that part just yet. He really didn't want to think about what was going on now but those blasted cramps and the thought of moving made him ill. "I don't know how in the hell you manage to do this Agura…" he whimpered. "It's a fucking crime!"

"Yeah…" she muttered, "let's not discuss that so casually, all right?"

"Sorry love."

"…you're not planning to sit there until it's over, do you?"

"…you actually **_move_**?"

Agura did not plan to laugh, but the thought of Stanford sitting there with his legs squeezed together for several days was so funny that she was in stitches before she could properly contain herself. "This is not the medieval era, Stanford!" she crowed. "We have things that allow us to move even when it's like shoving a knife into your stomach and forced to walk five feet…"

"…this is punishment for being a prat, isn't it."

"Maybe." She grabbed Stanford by his wrists and pulled him off of the bed, glad that he was clothed enough for her to shove him in the direction of his vehicle sitting in the hub a couple of corridors down. "You and I are taking a trip," she informed his questioning face. "We're going to the store, and YOU are going to find your own…_personal effects_, got it?"

His own—? "…you're bleeding mad!"

"No, I'm a bleeding chick who is about to show you the ropes…and this is still not right no matter how many times I say it in my head!"

She kept shoving him, purposely picking fight with the redhead to keep him from thinking too much about it just yet. Everyone was highly aware of how volatile his emotions could be when he was freaking out, and that usually was the precursor to his anger, which was a rival for Kalus on a good day. The one time they'd seen him madder than a rabid dog bent on ripping someone's hand off, things had been broken, smashed, and punched. The subject of that anger had a shiner for a week and a remorseful boyfriend that hid himself away for that long.

Everyone stared at Vert absently rubbing his cheek. He kept a knowing groan to himself. "It was a misunderstanding, people," he moaned tiredly, "and we haven't fought like that in months!"

"Only because you stopped dicking around and told him WHY you were speaking to his brother," AJ smirked. "But I don't think I can take another freak-out like that, bruh…and proposals aren't going to fix this little…situation."

"…it's gonna get bad isn't it."

"Oh like you wouldn't believe."

"…Let me go practice my apologies now…because I have a feeling I might be saying them a lot."

"Vert, before you leave…I have some information you need to look at," Sage said, "And I also have a few questions for you to answer. No, it's not an option."

He figured as much. He supposed answering her questions was better than thinking about the further aspects of what could be, until she asked him that one question that had him turning redder than his shirt and had the rest of the men snickering at his face.

* * *

><p>"No wonder my father refused to go to the store for mum…there are so fucking many choices…and it's so embarrassing!"<p>

Agura snorted aside him. "You think this is bad? Be glad you don't have boobs."

"Oh my god, I'm not going to grow those am I?"

She laughed at his horror stricken face and shook her head to calm him down before he passed out from his anxiety. "I don't think so. From what Sage told us, she said that it only changed your DNA to enable you to…do that thing we're not openly talking about because it freaks me out." Stanford looked away, biting his lower lip. "What? I'm sure you can avoid the whole aspect of that…I mean, there are contraceptives…"

"…that's if he touches me again…"

"….you say that like you don't expect him to."

"He was sitting across the room for Pete's sake! I mean why wouldn't he?...I'm out here buying these…these THINGS…because I was the unlucky bastard that touched what should have had a DO NOT TOUCH label on it!"

Stanford tossed the box he'd snatched in his rage into the cart, walking off with Agura and about several different customers looking at them. She nervously waved an apology at them, mentioning, "Hormones" before she rushed after Stanford sulking in another aisle nearby.

He was pressed against the shelves with the intimate cleansers on it, on the verge of very real tears and close to the points of sobbing uncontrollably…like a **girl**. It was a pitiful sight to see, and one that had Agura hugging him seconds before those tears fell and he was clinging to her like she was the last hold he had on sanity. She couldn't quite help but think that this was a job for Vert…this part of it anyhow. This holding him and shushing his sobs and telling him that everything would be all right was very much for the boyfriend. Her job, as Sage had stated, was to get him tampons.

Vert so owed her for this.

"Stanford…it's not so bad being…well, it's not so bad most of the time," Agura soothed. "The only thing bad about it is when you're stabbed on a monthly basis and you have to suffer through the horrid joke reproduction decided to grant females."

"Sick."

"Yeah…."

"No…I'm going to be sick…"

She pulled him off of her so fast he was seeing double, and then he was seeing the inside of the nearest trashcan to unleash the massive amounts of Gatorade he'd consumed in the last three hours. The downfall of all this was that he truly hadn't eaten anything, and Gatorade, while a nice sports drink, was not meant to supplement food.

"Oh Stanford…" She rubbed his back in sympathy, ignoring the retching sounds that had customers staring or walking away to get away from the sounds. "I'm going to kick Vert's ass for the both of us when we get back, all right?"

"…you promise?"

"I promise…but, maybe we should wait until your stomach settles…hmm?"

As if to spite him and her, his stomach flipped once more and emptied what was left in it into the trashcan.

* * *

><p><strong><span>Three hours later:<span>**

The sounds of the reverb coming back in the garage could be heard from a distance. Vert lifted his head from his perch on the counter, the throb of his head matching the soft bass of the music that shut itself off the moment it was parked. He'd been lying there for a while now, lost between sleeping, thinking, and silently freaking out without looking like it, which kept the others from asking him if he was all right. He supposed if they would have asked them he might have lied and brushed them off, but he was glad that he hadn't had to and that they hadn't asked. Thinking about it was one thing, and facing it was something totally different.

As such, seeing Agura leap out of the Driver's side of the reverb and head for him had him on high alert. She was marching with purpose, growling a little more with every step until she was in his face and startling him so much that he fell out of his chair. She kicked him in his shin for good measure and pointed in his face accusingly.

"YOU! You had better get your ass over there now and comfort your boyfriend!" she snapped. "Otherwise, I'm kicking your ass from here into the next battle zone and offering you ass first to Kalus!"

"Agura!"

"What? My job was to run and get him products I don't even talk about with my mom. Your job is to reassure him that he's not going to lose more than his lunch at the end of the day!"

"Stanford's sick!"

"Well, he did throw up some…but I think it was from all the inner freaking out he was doing in-between throwing things and imitating a tomato…huh? Vert?"

Vert wasn't listening. He was half way to the Reverb where Stanford was getting out with bags in hand. His face was flushed, as if he'd been running a marathon, but that redness was similar to the one on Vert's face when he was actually face to face with the redhead clinging to the bag in his hands tightly. It wasn't much, but Vert had been around the block a time or two to know just what was in that bag and why Stanford was torn between fleeing and standing there like the kid who'd wet his pants in the middle of class.

It wouldn't do to pat him on the arm. He'd get socked in his face by Agura watching him like a hawk.

"Hey, are…are you all right?"

"Do you want the practiced lie I made up or do you want the truth?" Stanford muttered.

"The truth."

"…No, I'm not all right. I'm not done freaking out about this, and until I am…I think it's probably best that…we not…see one another."

That was a slap to the face so far out of left field that Vert's brain literally stalled for a moment. Stanford used that moment to slip out from Vert's unseeing gaze, practically running for his room to lock himself in for the duration.

Agura, once she'd put her jaw back in its proper place, walked over to Vert and snapped him out of it with a firm slap upside the back of his skull.

"OW!"

"Well, you're not completely brain dead."

"What in the hell was that for?"

"I don't know…but it made me feel better."

Vert scowled at her for a moment, but that quickly lost his edge when he thought about what Stanford had said. Not see one another? He surely didn't mean—no, he couldn't have meant that. Stanford still had the ring…right?

"Agura…"

"Hm?"

"Give it to me."

She was wondering how long it would have taken him to ask for it. She slipped her hand into her pocket, delivering the elegant band into his waiting hands. He cursed silently to himself and resisted punching the first thing in front of him.

The Reverb and Agura were thankful. Vert, while a human, could dent metal with those fists if he was angry enough.

"Please tell me this is hormones," he muttered.

"Partially…" she said quietly, "but a lot of it has to do with you sitting on the other side of the room."

"What?"

"Hey, that's what Stanford said," Agura mentioned. "And you were. You were on the other side of the room looking like hell had come and stomped your brain out of your ears and not at his side being the doting boyfriend."

"…are you serious right now? Because I totally remember us talking about not touching one another for about two three days since we spent the last three—ow! Stop slapping my head!"

"Stop being a moron then! Shit, Vert…being told you're going to be bleeding once a month for the rest of your life is scary enough when you're a girl. Hell, it is traumatizing!" she cried. Lord knew that finding that out had her locked in her room and beating any boy that made fun of her into a pulp the next day. It wasn't a pleasant week for anyone, including her brothers. "But Stanford is a boy…who has just been told that he has to readjust his way of thinking to accommodate the change his body is going through. I mean, joking he was girly before was then…we can't really joke about that now, can we?"

Stanford was always on the more sensitive side of the scale, and his emotions usually landed someone in trouble if it wasn't himself. Vert had been on the end scale of the anger and it wasn't pretty for anyone when he was upset about something that had him in hysterics. The last time he was brought to the point of tears, he hadn't stopped crying for two solid hours, and that was because a certain short teammate thought it'd be a good idea to show him the movie _AI, Artificial Intelligence_.

He still wanted to choke Spinner for that.

"You want to know something funny?"

"Vert?"

"Sage asked me if I took his virginity," he laughed bitterly. "Of course I said no," he said when she looked like she was going to punch him, "But...when she asked me that, and I had a chance to think about it…"

"…were you turned off?"

"Actually…**no**," he said honestly. "And that part **scared** me. And then I felt like shit for thinking about it because I know Stanford must be really embarrassed and upset...By the way, sorry…for the show, I mean."

Agura actually leered at him and patted his shoulder. It was not a look he was familiar with, and it was scaring him a bit. "Are you kidding me? You managed to answer several questions and I won like a shit load of money from Spinner," she grinned. "I'd split the pot with you, but I have to collect it first."

"…you're fucking with me."

"A little. And apology accepted." She kissed him on his cheek this time, swatting him on the back as she shoved him in the direction that Stanford had run. "Now…I think you have someone else to apologize to—and don't ask why, it's a female thing that doesn't even make sense to me."

"Right…hey, Tez isn't going to murder me, is he?"

"You'd better run before you find out."

Vert was long gone before the man in question could make his way into the garage. Tez was quite confused as to why Agura was laughing so, but he chalked it up to the craziness that had been happening over the last few days.

* * *

><p>Emotional Stanford...<p>

*squee*

Reviews are nice. :)


	3. Mishap 3

**_AN:_**

_mmmm...withdrawal from sex is not is not pretty. Zemerick will convey as much.  
><em>

_This roughly takes place after "Blue Tide" but before "Get Zemerick."_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Mishap 3:<strong>  
><em>

_Going and Keeping the distance_

_a.k.a._

_Cold Turkey_

* * *

><p>"Dude, how long has he been perched there?" Zoom asked.<p>

"I want to say about two weeks, but it's only been two days," Spinner answered. "The subtle movements keep me from thinking he's dead."

"Two days? So, if he's been perched there for two days, then how does Stanford get in and out without running into him?"

"Remember that one time we got stuck in our vehicles because of a glitch?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Well, I found out that Stanford keeps a healthy supply of snacks and drinks stashed in his car and in his room in case he decides to bombard himself like now."

Zoom was impressed, and slightly perturbed that he hadn't thought of that. "Smart. How long 'til he cracks?"

Spinner glanced at the body perched against that door. "Any hour now. Going on a Za run. You coming?"

"Sure! Hey, Vert, you want something?"

Vert, somewhat annoyed but too stubborn to move to properly slam their heads with his fists, waved them off before he was tempted to change his mind. They left quickly, running into the main part of the hub to loudly announce that he was still perched in his spot and that they were going to order one of the more outrageous pizzas from Zeke's Diner. It only meant that he was going to have to find some air freshener and some kind of antacid…and possibly a plunger if Spinner ate enough of it.

His stomach rumbled traitorously at him.

"Sounds like you need some serious eatage…and not this junk you've been harboring, eh?"

Vert eyed the wrappers of breakfast burritos he'd snagged from the fridge this morning crumpled up aside him and an empty container of what used to be orange juice. After three days of Gatorade and water, he wanted nothing to do with anything resembling a sports drink. AJ absently kicked aside the empty carton and made himself comfortable on one side of Vert. The other side was soon occupied with Agura, handing him a sandwich she'd whipped up on her way here with AJ.

He'd only taken a huge bite out of it when he felt the subtle thud of something on the door behind him. Maybe it was his imagination, but that door suddenly got warmer where his back had been pressed relentlessly. Either way, AJ and Agura didn't mistake the look on his face for anything less than it was, and went about their intended conversations as if nothing had changed.

"Any luck?" Agura asked.

"No," Vert said around a mouthful, "but I'm stubborn. You know that."

"Stubborn enough to risk being rank in another four hours or so," AJ chuckled. "Seriously bro, shower last?"

"Right before I planted myself here."

"Whoa. Bathroom breaks?" Agura questioned.

Vert thought about it, and shrugged when he couldn't remember. "Usually when I know he's sleeping…which was about three hours ago?"

"Has he really been living off of his stash?"

"More than likely. It's not the ideal breakfast," Vert muttered softly, "but it's something…"

"…you're worried."

Vert made a sound around his sandwich that resembled something like "Fuck yes," with the bread to blame for the garbled mess they got instead. AJ shoved a bottle of water his way before he could choke, not that it would have been better than sitting here for another day or so waiting for Stanford to emerge and give up on this illogical barricading of his self. Vert was a stubborn son of a gun and could roll with the best of them, but he seriously couldn't sit here too much longer without losing what ass he had to call his own without being ashamed. That was mostly the teen in him talking, and the part that covered up the deep worry settling to hard on his shoulders for him to sit upright and do what normal people would have done by now.

Unfortunately there wasn't an axe anywhere…and he really didn't want to come off as insane for chopping the door down. Desperate, but not insane.

"I think there's an ax upstairs," Agura mentioned. Vert looked at her wildly, calming only when she mentioned that he'd been muttering his thoughts out loud. "Seriously, Vert…this isn't healthy for either of you. What happens when we have to go on a mission and we need Stanford? You can't function right if you're worried about someone, especially your boyfriend…"

"Fiancée," Vert corrected.

"…I thought he gave the ring back?"

"Yeah, he did…but I'm not accepting it back. He's got to give me a better reason to not marry him aside this. I mean, this is a piece of him…and I love him. Seriously, the only way I'd leave him is if he told me he was his own twin that murdered the real Stanford and was really here to collect everyone's eyes as trophies…"

Agura stared at him. "You need to stop watching movies with Spinner."

"I think it's a little much myself," AJ said. "I understand the whole not wanting to be hurt, but isn't it hurting you both by shoving himself away like that? And it's not like you don't still love him."

That was true…but… "He's probably got it in his head that I will stop loving him," he murmured. It was enough to turn his stomach in ways he hadn't felt for quite some time. Had he not an appreciation for food and not wasting it, he surely would have dropped what was left. He handed it over to AJ. "The only way I'll stop loving him is when I stop breathing," he said firmly. "And even then I think it would be quite impossible to do so…he's gotten so far under my skin that thinking about him leaving me makes me physically ill…"

"Please don't puke," Agura begged. "If you do, aim it at him."

"If he pukes on me, I will be hugging the life out of you and sharing the spoils, eh?" AJ warned.

"And we'd be short a man," Vert laughed dryly. "If I promise not to puke, I want no glorified Karate Chops unless it's on this door."

"Bruh, you said the word and we will rip it off its hinges."

"You do the ripping," Agura snorted. "I did my job, and I'm still a little freaked out by it. I, myself, don't think there should ever be an aisle dedicated for something so horrid…poor Stanford…having to deal with the horrors of being a partial girl…"

AJ leaned forward a bit to look at Agura. "You want to clarify what's so bad about being a girl aside the obvious?"

"I'm sure you males have your reasons for not wanting to be males…although you have it much easier than you think you do…and women have reasons for hating being females…" She huffed a little at the first reason that came to mind, and rolled her eyes at the next set that pushed themselves into the forefront of her head. "I mean, the pressure to be a pretty little thing while being able to hold your own? And then there's the whole fluctuating hormones…"

"I thought you had a pill for that."

"Guy, there's a pill for everything…but I think Stanford's forgetting something rather important about this…"

Vert and AJ looked at her this time, more than interested in what she had to say. "And that would be?" Vert prompted.

"He's still got his male bits…and he doesn't have to go bra shopping…and as long as he has someone like Vert in his corner, loving him enough to sit here like a homeless man without the change jar and begging him every night to open the damn door and talk to him, I think he could get through anything…and I believe that's what you call the perfect boyfriend."

"Fiancée."

"Whatever. You're still sitting here, right? Two days in…if that's not dedication, then…Stanford's an idiot."

Vert felt it before it happened. The added warmth from his back was gone. He ignored it, favoring the sound of the door cracking itself open for the first time in over forty-eight hours, the scent of chocolate and something sweeter coming through the cracked door with that stale air. Vert, stiff and aching in places he shouldn't have, shot up like a bullet and shoved himself into the door before it could shut itself again.

Agura and AJ sat and watched the frantic motions of Stanford's hands being snatched by Vert's calming ones, muffled voices barely heard with the hushed tones they were speaking to one another in. Stanford was shaking his head, crying all over again only to be swept in Vert's arms and held without hope of being let go anytime soon. That seemed to do the trick…the Brit was soon crying into his shoulder and hugging the life out of him.

And then, when Vert moved to kiss him breathless and Stanford not objecting to the demanding kiss, they remembered who they were watching and why it was so vital to shut that damn door before they got a repeat of a preview they'd seen repetitively three days ago. She and AJ scrambled away laughing; opting to return when they were sure it was safe.

"How long do you think we should give them?" Agura asked.

"About an hour or so…any longer and you might have to get Stanford a—Ow!"

"Don't JINX me! And please, let's not tempt fate…" she muttered. "Oh god, I should have picked up condoms instead of tampons. Oh god, why did I say that!"

* * *

><p>"I…don't…I don't want to…have sex for a while."<p>

"Hmm?"

"I really don't…not until I'm…more…comfortable with…this."

Vert lifted his head from the pillow to stare at Stanford nervously biting his lip. He was seated aside him, hands pulling at his sleeves to cover more of himself with the hoodie he'd been in when Vert had barged in here. The baggy sweats and the overall look wasn't something Vert was used to, nor the abnormally shy demeanor of his love ducking his head in pure embarrassment when he noticed Vert starting at him.

If Vert's brow line was any higher, he'd swear he was Joan River's forehead…before the surgery to lower it.

"Is…this about the three day romp…or about…the added features?" he asked slowly. Stanford's cheeks gave it away. Vert, while wise about most things, knew he'd be in deep trouble if he even entertained the thought now. So rather than give into the sudden stiffening of his little clone, he pressed his face back into the pillow and sighed.  
>"I had a feeling you'd say that…doesn't make it any easier to hear. And don't apologize. I might kill you."<p>

Stanford worked his mouth closed and smiled lopsidedly. "Would you?"

"Mmm. I'm tempted to tie you to the Saber and open the hood with you on it for thinking that I'd just up and leave you…but that's me going easy on you."

"Compared to how I wanted to strap your ears to my bass system and blow your ears out?"

Vert glared at him playfully. "You tried."

"I failed…but at the time, I thought you were leaving me for that jerk…"

"Nooooooo. I was hunting him down to help me with this, remember?"

He felt his left hand being grabbed and tugged until he was lying on his side watching Vert slip that little piece of Stanford's soul back into place. When he'd taken it off, it was as if a piece of him had died and all hopes that had blossomed for a long happy life with this teenager turned man burned with all hope of being normal. He was already enough of a pragmatic mess without alien doohickeys screwing up his life even further than before. It was one thing to be hurt, possibly captured…and he wouldn't think about the killing part because it was only going to make him cry. But this?

"Why in the world did it have to be me?" he whined, feeling those damn hormones play up again. He wiped at his face, willing himself not to cry. He felt the bed move and for a sickening moment, he thought Vert was getting up to leave. He reached, grabbing what he could, but found it was the perfect position for Vert to take hold of him and crush their bodies together.

"Stanford…you'll be all right," Vert said softly. "You're not dying, you're not going to die, and I'm not going to stop loving you because of something like this. We're still getting married in a couple of weeks, and even if you'd lost a limb—"

"Better deal."

"Not so much no…It's just another part of you…one that we will get used to, together."

"….can we get used to it later?" Stanford asked quietly. "Because I still think this is so messed up."

"Agura seems to think so as well…and she also thinks there shouldn't be an aisle dedicated to it."

Stanford let out a light laugh. Vert held him tighter, and let him sag in his arms until they were called to find real food by their angry stomachs.

"So…you're okay with not…"

"I'm all right, Stanford…besides," Vert said with a soft smile, "Sex isn't everything."

* * *

><p><strong><span>Two weeks later:<span>**

"Holy fuckzoli, Batman!" Spinner cried, "Look at the damage!"

Anyone that was in a car stopped shy of the pile up sitting pretty in the center of the field that the unlucky bastards had been cornered in. Spinner couldn't quite keep himself from gawking dramatically, even when Sherman, whistling low himself, reached back and shut his jaw before it locked in place. Even AJ, sitting in the Gear Slammer right beside them, leaned on his console in complete disbelief of what he was witnessing right then. Another heap of shredded scrap was added to the pile, this one twitching in agony before it was smashed by the last of them, sparking like firecrackers.

Vert lined his car up towards the Sark Leader, his chainsaw gunning to tear him in half if he even moved the wrong way.

Zemerick wisely did not move.

"Ookay…I'd say we're done here!" Spinner announced. "Vert, if you're done trashing the robots, I think we'd better get back."

As if turned out, he wasn't done. Zemerick couldn't even believe it when he was being torn to shreds and junked on that pile that was immediately in danger of being set aflame if Vert had his way. Vert didn't have matches, but he did have a heap of frustration that manifested itself and let loose with Zemerick screaming like a little girl when he chased the crawling Sark off with his chainsaw.

The others wisely didn't say anything.

To Vert anyhow.

"Okay, how long has he been like this?" Zoom asked. "Anyone have any idea?"

"About a week," Agura said. "The week before he was fine, but then he started…well, not acting funny, because I don't think playing video games is acting funny."

"It is if he's playing GTA," Spinner snorted. "I think the hookers love him."

"What?"

"What? Don't tell me you've never played GTA before…"

"I've watched my brothers play it, and what they do to those hoes is unreal…oh…oh crap."

AJ laughed at her as she slammed her head lightly into the steering wheel. "I think she's figured it out," he chuckled.

Oh she figured it out all right, and she didn't believe for one second that any kind of withdrawal after the events in the past three weeks could be this bad. Unless, "Did Stanford go cold turkey on him?"

"Have you seen his wardrobe lately?" Zoom asked. "The British have retreated and taken their sense of style with them."

This was not going to sit well. Not if they wanted to prevent a massacre from occurring and a one man army bringing down the war in a rage from sexual frustration. Well, that could work in their favor, but that was beside the point. One of them could get in the way of that, and she knew from watching her brothers that when they weren't being satisfied by their current girlfriends, well…it wasn't pretty for anyone around them. The last time she had to put her oldest brother in a headlock and bring him to his knees before he'd snap out of it…

She really didn't think Vert would appreciate that.

"Okay guys, we need to go home and talk about this," she said.

"Correction, **you**, need to talk to Stanford about this," Spinner exclaimed.

"What? Why can't—"

"Cause he's got bits we don't understand…and that whole hormone thing…that's all female."

"When we get home Spinner, I'm knocking you upside the head!"

"Have to catch me first!"

"While that's nice, you guys," Zoom interrupted, "I think we'd better rescue Zemerick…"

The Sark leader was screaming his head off nearby and had already lost one of his limbs. The others screamed and rushed to stop Vert before he dissected Zemerick any further than he had.

* * *

><p>"I don't think Zemerick will be bothering anyone for a while," Sage mused. "Although, I often wondered what it would take to get him to such a point. Maybe we should employ this method for future missions when others are becoming more obnoxious than called for."<p>

Sherman shut Spinner's mouth again. "Yes, well…I don't think that's wise…even if it would be effective…and funny."

"True…although, seeing Vert in such a state, I highly doubt I want to know what you or AJ would do…or Tez, if he and Agura decide to stop…I believe the term you'd use is dancing around one another."

The very thought had AJ shaking his head. It would be ugly, violent, and no one would get away without being scarred somehow. "Uh…that would be a major, no," he said firmly. "You really don't want to know."

"Where is he anyhow?" Sherman asked. "I didn't see Stanford when we got back."

"Probably finding something else to hide himself away in," Zoom mused. "He went from GQ to frumpy really quick…and even I'm a little concerned with that. Why is that?"

"The same reason any woman hides herself in baggy clothing," Agura said as she walked through the hub. "He's not feeling sexy right now. I figured that would be the case, but again…it still doesn't sound right."

She grabbed her bag from one of the counters, shouldered it and walked back towards the rooms with the men staring after her. She wasn't in her usual attire of jeans and a t-shirt, or rather, not in her usual garb of having that jacket cover her up. Her locks were down and framing her flawless face, accented with just a hint of make-up to really bring out the African beauty that she was.

"And just where are you going?" Zoom managed to ask before she vanished. "And why…are you dolled up? You're making me uncomfortable…"

"Because, idiot, I'm dragging Stanford out of his room, taking him to the mall, and forcing a smoothie down his throat….and then we're going to buy new clothes. I think that might be another reason why he's wearing sweats."

Obviously she'd been thinking about this for a while. The guys, at a loss, didn't know what to think when she did manage to pry Stanford away from his room and from Vert virtually clinging to his waist in morose. Both men looked worn down, but that changed when Tez came running behind them with his jacket being shoved on a little hastily. He snatched Vert and shoved him in his car, Agura shoved Stanford in the Reverb, and both cars were peeling off without even a goodbye.

"Uh…what just happened?" Spinner asked.

"Several things," Zoom laughed. He patted Spinner on the back. "Just be glad Agura didn't remember to knock you upside your head."

"Yeah…there is that. But seriously? What was that all about?"

"I believe the change in Stanford's demeanor has a lot to do with the physical aspects of Stanford's change," Sage explained. "While he is now, half female, that does not exclude the subtle changes in anatomy that are not so obvious to the naked eye. Daily check-ups have shown a shift in his stance as well as his skeletal structure."

Spinner stared at her. "….say wha?"

"His clothing doesn't fit," AJ answered. "And Vert probably hasn't noticed because he's thinking about how not to think about…you know. **That**."

"So…we're dealing with two different brain waves?"

"Pretty much."

"Oh. Well what in the hell does Tez have to do with this?"

For that, Zoom gladly slapped Spinner upside the head. "You're an idiot."

* * *

><p>"You want to switch?"<p>

Vert eyed the half empty smoothie in his hand. He'd already swapped his with Agura, who then swapped hers with Tez. They were having a flavor malfunction, and he wondered if it had something to do with the malfunctioning teens hell bent on having Monday depression. His Mango Pineapple tasted like Berry Banana, with something else that was just odd. He took another sip, decided he didn't particularly want another, and swapped cups with Tez.

"We're going to get Mono at this rate," he muttered around his straw.

"If we do, we can spread it to the Vandals and hope they develop a strain that leaves them bed ridden for weeks," Tez mused. "If not, I still have something up my sleeves that will, how you say, put them down for the count."

"Are we reduced to germ warfare now?"

"If I were my great grandfather, Kalus would be in front of the fire warming our backside and jerky for the young ones."

"…I think I like your family."

"I think you need to be severely laid."

Vert snorted and turned his head from the knowing look on the Russian's face. "Yeah, well…I can't argue with that," he muttered. "I mean, it's one thing to stop having intercourse, but cutting me off completely? I feel like an alcoholic looking at the bottle two feet in front of me. I want to touch it but I know I can't."

"Have you relayed this to Stanford?"

"What? No. I mean, come on…I can't tell him that I'm like virtually dying here. I mean, it's _insensitive_, and besides, I think he'd be freaked out to know my wildest dreams just came alive in three mislead moments and those three days were by far the best, **ever**." He took a large swallow of whatever was in his smoothie and grimaced a little. "Ugh, what is this?"

"I think it's something with bubblegum…at least I'm hoping it was that and not what that girl was chewing moments ago."

Vert trashed his smoothie right alongside Tez. It was probably best not to bother going back and demanding another smoothie. From what Vert could see, they already had a few angry customers at the counter and the manager looked like he wanted to pop a vein. He turned his attention back to the store they stood outside of, wondering if it would be considered suicide to walk in that place.

"What did you mean?"

"Eh?"

"What did you mean when you said your wildest dreams came alive in three mislead moments?"

Oh. **_That_**. "…you know I'm bisexual, right?"

"I've assumed that a time or two, yes." Vert's slight bewildered face prompted an explanation that Tez gave with a smirk. "One drunken night where you were kissing anyone confirmed that."

"Not my fault Zeke didn't warn us about his punch. Hangovers suck."

"Getting off topic."

"…damn it."

"It can't be all that bad," Tez reasoned. "I mean, everyone is entitled to their preferences. While I have no problem with either gender, I tend to lean towards women…mainly women of color and not of my particular nationality. Some are too hard to be considered feminine, and others are too soft in the head for me to appreciate them for anything other than their breasts."

Vert stared at him a moment. "…are you ever going to ask that girl out?"

"We're not talking about me." Effectively deflected. Tez was learning, Vert thought fondly. "We're talking about you, and yes, I have formulated a plan to ask her out…preferably when we're done with this…whatever we're doing."

"Waiting for them to get done shopping. It's a boyfriend/husband/fiancé thing."

Tez took note of that and decided that next time he'd have something to entertain himself. "I'm still waiting on an explanation better than your preference for both sexes."

That was easier said than done. Vert thought about how to word it without sounding too vulgar, because his mind was swimming in the possible filth that made it hard not to salivate without obvious cause. He did shift himself to lean on a railing with his arms folded with his legs, staring up at the florescent lighting about glaring down at them with the sun.

Tez was analytical. Vert decided that it was probably better to say what was on his mind rather than dumb it down and censor it too much. "I love Stanford," he stated. "I love him enough to never be without him, but that doesn't mean my eye doesn't stray to admire another fine specimen. I'm a guy. It happens."

"I see. Understandable."

"But that eye usually wanders to a female, and like most men that are somewhat normal-esque—"

"That's not a word."

"—I don't care, but you understand what I mean—I tend to fantasize about that birthday cake I can't have." It was normal, because he never had to urge to do any kind of touching to sate that craving. It was like an itch that would fade after awhile, and most times Stanford was thinking the same thing right alongside him. Call it male bonding or whatever, but some behaviors can't be helped. "Normally, it's all right, and it passes." And by then they'd worked themselves up to put that pent up frustration to good use with a bed involved. "But…when it's put it under my nose on the person that matters most to me and I can't touch…I feel like a starving man. Tez?"

"Hmm?"

"I really want to eat his Birthday Cake…and I want to lick the icing **off**."

Tez was far from stupid. He quickly deciphered what that meant and kept his mind from wandering down that path. If he stood there and let it, he'd be in as much trouble as Vert moving to sit down on a bench close by.

He adjusted his collar, subtly turning off the two way device he'd been speaking into. He hoped to whatever gods that Agura had gotten that, because he wasn't about to ask Vert again. Not without dying from the blood rushing to his head and his lower extremities because that image always reverted to Agura…

"Oh god…"

"Tez?"

He grabbed Vert by his arm and dragged him back over to the smoothie stand. "We're getting another, and this time the right flavor."

About five minutes after they joined the mob, Agura walked out of the store with a small device in her hand. Anything else that was being said was irrelevant, and it was a little much to hear Tez cursing in Russian when worker denied botching up the orders. She shut it off and stuffed it in her purse. "Remind me not to lend Vert my I-pod anymore," she said looking back at her follower. "I think he likes that song a little more than me, and that's probably not healthy for anyone."

Stanford really couldn't say much to that. Not without choking openly on his tongue which he was trying not to bite off it shock. He forgot about his attempts to hide himself in his sweats, his hands grasping his cheeks trying their damndest to be the color of his faux hawk. He wanted to groan, sputter, or do something that would express the bottle of jarred up emotions rattling in his head, but all he could do was to stare after the man he called his fiancé in the middle of shoving his receipt back at the worker.

Did he really mean all that? It was all kinds of weird thinking about it and uncomfortable because it was doing things to areas he still had yet to get used to. He tried not to squirm. He'd probably look like some prepubescent brat trying not to wet themselves. Still, while it was borderline unethical what Agura and Tez had planned and done, he really needed to hear those words. It made him feel a lot better about many things, including that ugly feeling of not feeling confident in himself…or sexy.

He was a vain son of a bitch and rightfully so. It was only natural of him to wonder if Vert still thought of him as sexy when the blonde was a walking god. And Vert…the poor loving bastard was being the perfect dumb boyfriend that did the opposite of what his lover wanted. It was so sweet of him, it made Stanford want to…

"I'd totally get in trouble for that," he muttered.

"You say something?"

"No, no…just musing out loud. Did he really—"

"Yes, and Zemerick will probably deny that he was screaming like a bitch…but dude," she said, slapping his shoulder, "You can't do cold turkey. It messes them up."

Now he understood, and while that was all well and good, it didn't solve his clothing issue. "Right then…let's go about fixing this…and Agura?"

"Yes?"

"What in the blazes have you been letting him listen to in order for him to refer to my bits as birthday cake! ?"

She thought about telling him, but thought better of it when Vert and Tex came sauntering back towards them looking much better than they had a moment ago. They had ice-cream this time, and Vert was quick to offer Stanford a spoonful when he was close enough.

"What flavor is this?"

"New. They call it _Birthday Cake_."

Agura didn't think ice-cream could be snorted through one's nose until Tez did it.

* * *

><p><em>Ten thousand points if you know where the song "Birthday cake" came from. :)<em>

_Next chapter please!_


	4. Mishap 4

**AN:**

_Not much to say again accept that Kalus really needs to keep his paws to himself._

_I am aware that Kalus does wear his armor 24/7 but we're going to make him a cocky bastard today. :)_

_Take's place before "Grimian's Secret"_

* * *

><p><em>Messing with Sasquatch<em>

_a.k.a._

_Kalus nearly gets a lesson in taxidermy _

* * *

><p>"So…why am I sitting here again?"<p>

"Same reason I am," Vert sighed. "You like your nuts were they are."

"…good enough."

Tez settled back into his designated seat and resumed the silence of waiting. It wasn't that awkward silence that people tended to make when they had nothing to talk about, but rather that silence between companions that were comfortable and well earned. Vert settled back a little himself, his arm resting against Tez's from shoulder to elbow. Tez couldn't quite help but admire the difference between them, and thought that Stanford and he were probably a lot alike in frame.

Of course Tez was a little more slender because of his tendency not to eat when he was involved in something. Vert's arm was like a mountain of muscle compared to his wiry arms. And warm.

"You're like a generator," Tez mused softly. "You generate heat in large quantities and you are not sweating…"

"I'm a heat sapping kind of guy," Vert chuckled. "I've been out in Handler Corners a long while. I'm used to the heat."

"And yet AJ is a walking Frigidaire. You people confuse me more and more, but it is highly fascinating."

"We tend to be…especially when we have ice-cream coming out of our noses."

Tez didn't say another word about that, but he did shove Vert's laughing frame. He was still trying to contemplate how he managed to spew ice-cream out of his nose like that. It was more of a thing Spinner would have done, and should do when they got back to the garage. He still owed that little prankster for his last joke, which he still was cleaning out of his closet. Who knew feathers were so…annoying?

He plucked another one from his jacket as the curtain opened. The soft intake of air that was not him prompted him to look up and regret it just as fast. He was truly glad neither of them was drinking anything that could choke them, or come out of their nose.

Well, there was the possibility of blood, but they weren't going to think about that.

"So…I take it that this is a yes?"

Agura didn't have to ask a second time. Both men nodded, adjusted themselves on their seats, and admired the one they were drawn to.

Agura was used to being thought of as one of the guys. She tended to dress in something that was functional and easy to maintain without the thought of cringing at getting something she really liked messed up. Her battle suit usually was her main wardrobe, but once in a while it was nice to wear something that would have had her brothers in an uproar over the men that stole a glance here and there. She couldn't count how many times she'd been shielded by their larger frames, which made dating literally impossible.

Today, however, she didn't have to worry about them. She was more worried about the sudden vacant look that was in Tez's eyes as he kept staring at the flattering snake-skin colored dress on her. It was sleeveless, showcasing her toned arms that were on her firm waist seemingly cinched in by the black belt around it. The rest of that dress outlined her curves graciously with the hem only coming to stop at the middle of her thigh. It was more skin than she'd show in a long while, but with this heat and summer around the bend, she wasn't about to be caught sweating to death no matter how much she loved the heat.

When she turned to admire herself in the mirror, Tez groaned into his hand and sat back hard muttering something in Russian. It was so low that it was hard to know he'd said anything, until a passing blonde snickered and said something in kind. Tez was a little surprised, but not enough to keep from saying something that had her laughing and nodding in agreement. She left shortly after, winking Agura's way with her thumb up.

"So…I'm hoping that was a good thing," Agura giggled. "I'd hate to have to put this back."

"ваш тыл находка ..."

"Come again?"

"**_Don't_** put it back."

"…That's not what you said."

Tez didn't elaborate on his earlier comment. "It was a thank you prayer," he said rather than tell her what he was still thinking. "Dear god...I didn't think it was possible for my IQ to drop."

Agura posed for him again. The Russian was suddenly but gratefully brain dead.

Aside him, Vert wasn't doing much better. He'd taken to biting the side of his fist in order to stay in his seat. That didn't stop Stanford from awkwardly turning around, cinching his pants just so until they were where he usually had them…

"Vert? Is…does this look all right?"

If he wasn't a gentleman Vert would have had half the store blushing from what was going to come out of his mouth. He made a garbled noise of consent, and whined a little when Stanford turned around again.

The soft looking t-shirt he wore was fitted to his body, long enough to cover his navel and little else. It was a nice plum color with a graphic design of musical intent in black, well suited for the Brit who loved that color more than his tunes. There was nothing but stark sun kissed skin between the ends of that shirt and the hem of those pants that rode obscenely low on his hips. It was the perfect height, and just the right amount of skin that always had Vert wondering how many ways he could put his hands on it

He wanted to reach out and tug him toward him by the belt rings on those pants that were just denim skin on those legs. They were a deep stone wash color, unusual for his lover but suited him well. A simple straight leg that gave off the illusion he was leggier than he truly was, which wasn't a bad thing in Vert's book.

He was all set to get up and buy those clothes just so he could find a reason to leave those sweats behind, but he paused when Stanford turned sideways a little. He had to look twice, but he was sure of it when he used his mental hands to outline the shape of his lover. No…it couldn't have been…

"Vert?"

"...your hips a little wider…"

"What?"

"…and…I really want to grab your ass. It just looks…like...the perfect amount of flesh for each hand."

He couldn't believe Vert had said that. Vert couldn't believe he'd said it either, but he meant it, and his primal instincts were getting the better of him after not being sated for almost three weeks. "Agura, please tell me you have more for him to try on," he pleaded. "If you do, I'll spot that dress you were eyeing three stores back."

"Vert, are you delusional right now?" she asked. "That dress is expensive!"

"I own my own business. I can afford a dress…and no, I'm not delusional," he said eyeing Stanford like a lion would steak. "I'm very flipping me so—"

"Oh my god, Vert!"

"What? I'm sitting here, giving you my honest opinion," he exclaimed, "And all I really want to do right now is take Stanford, find a secluded corner, and give him a reason to smack me for messing up his hair." There was no possible way they could understand the depths of his desperateness right now, not even his own fiancé turning red under his smoldering gaze. The subtle changes were obvious now, and the more he stared at him, the more Vert wanted to do as he said, and probably more if he could. "Unless something happens in the next FIVE MINUTES, I plan to do just that."

Tez's watch went off three seconds before the rest of theirs.

The patrons of the store were rewarded with a loud curse coming from the blonde.

* * *

><p>"…how much you want to bet we're about to see another version of carnage?" Zoom asked softly.<p>

"That's no bet, that's a guarantee," Agura assured. "You should have seen him tear out of the parking lot! It was crazy insane!"

"Not as crazy insane as getting caught this early in the game…"

"Well, there is that…"

Zoom slumped to the bottom of his current prison, eyeing the vandals that were guarding him like half starved dogs eyeing a bone. They smelt like them too, but he wasn't about to voice that thought just yet. He was more concerned with a certain huge bug named hatch prancing around a piece of tech that had to be Sentient related. Every time he got his claws on something, he managed to mess it up or do something that made no sense whatsoever. He was still reeling from that time freezing thing he'd done a couple of months back.

The lot of them, meaning Agura, Zoom, Tez, Stanford, and Vert had busted through the open storm shock with a quickness they hadn't felt since Kyrtus appeared on the scene. At the time they didn't know what they were getting into, not that they really knew half the time anyhow. Before it was a race for battle keys. Now it was a race to make sure Vandals didn't muck up the universe with their ignorance, to keep the Sark in line with their technological warfare, and to make sure that a certain red sentient never got the upper hand by getting his hands on anything valuable.

Running into the storm shock without a heavy hitter was a risk they were taking. The Gear Slammer was in the middle of repairs from a battle on a fiery landscape and the Buster was getting a necessary upgrade. Being fast and covert was the name of the game, but that changed a little…or a lot depending on who someone asked. Zoom assumed that it was only a matter of time before the Vandals slipped up again. So he wasn't really stressing sitting here at the bottom of his cage.

He was, however, a little concerned for Vert being taunted and teased by Kalus prodding at him.

Agura echoed his concern with a snort and glared at the monkey enjoying his little victory. "We're really going to have to figure out just how that damn monkey Grimian gets his hands on that tech," she muttered. "He was fucking invisible to our sensors!"

"I'm working on it now as we speak," Tez said from nearby. "Believe me, he won't get the upper hand again."

"That's nice and all, but…I vote for a way out now," Zoom said. He looked around again, this time growing a little alarmed when he realized someone was missing. "Hey, where's Stanford?"

Tez and Agura looked at one another. They hadn't seen hide or hair of him since they were ambushed by Grimian. It was probably a mistake now to have gotten out of their cars and proceed on foot, but the trails were too thick for their cars and going around was not an option. It was probably part of the trap, but that didn't give them comfort. Tez was missing his glove, Agura was being neglected because she was a female and thought to be weaker, and Zoom had extra guards on him because he could break the wooden bars without hesitation. Of course Vert was in the center to their camp being heckled, but…where **was** Stanford?

A loud cheer went up from the Vandals.

Zoom, whom never was heard speaking his language often, was exclaiming something that had Agura blinking before she was gawking at Tez doing the same in his own language. She said it best when she got a good look at what was making the Vandals cheer so.

"Oh holy fuck…they're gonna die…"

One of the Vandals, Krocomodo, tugged at the chains that were around the hands of one very scared Brit by the name of Stanford Rhodes. He wasn't mouthing off, or yelling that this was an outrage or something arrogant of the like. His current attire had him a little more than embarrassed and highly un-amused if this was some type of joke designed to be humiliating.

After being captured by the damn smirking monkey, Kalus had shown up to rub his nose in his victory. The cars were hidden, so there was no need to worry about them just yet. They were more worried about the ten Vandals surrounding them and Kalus taking a cheap shot at Vert. The cat lord looked like he was about to order them all back to the Vandal camp (as usual), but he'd stopped shy of doing so and turned to Stanford.

All Stanford saw was the cat's nostrils flare once, and before he knew what was happening, the Shark Vandal Sever was heaving him over his shoulder and taking him back to the private chambers of Kalus.

That cat really needed a remodeling designer…and air freshener. The place reeked of what Stanford could safely assume was cat urine, which brought him back to the whole hating Vandal aspect of his nature. Animals, talking or not, could not change that one behavior. They pissed on everything!

He was tossed into his chambers and left alone with what looked to be like female concubines snarling at him evilly. Upon closer inspection, and not of his choice—lack of clothing another reason to HATE this PLANET—he saw that they were male. They were tigers like Kalus, but much slender and obviously more obnoxious. They took him by either hand and ripped him of his clothing, shoving him in some odd tunic like thing that didn't even come close to being fashionable or wearable. It was short, light, and uncomfortable…and it smelt like urine to boot.

He was tugged until he was in front of the grown cat beast smirking down at him in approval.

"What in blazes are you trying to pull?" Stanford spat. "If this is revenge for making you upchuck your kibble, my apologies. Can I have my regular clothes back please! Eeehgh!"

Those massive paws that had done damage worthy of cringing at came to wrap themselves around his startled frame. One moment he was staring up at Kalus, the next he was flush against him and getting a whiff of whatever foul thing he'd eaten not that long ago. No one should ever see fangs like that up close, or realize in sudden horror that one paw was moving lower and his tail was curling around his thigh in a highly uninviting manner.

"I've decided to make you one of mine," Kalus said without preamble. "You smell heavenly….and when I'm done with you, you won't remember these people you call your teammates."

That cat wasn't serious!

Kalus' hand fell a little lower and landed on his ass.

"Oh fuck, you're serious!"

"Hmmm." Kalus purred deeply, unaware of the growing danger behind him as he continued to admire the red head in his arms. "I don't know why…but your smell…it's not like the female over there…its more enticing. I make take her too…once we've broken her. To keep you company of course."

"Wait…can't w-we discuss this! And somewhere NOT in public?"

"Why? I take all my concubines in front of my clan," he smirked, much to Stanford's complete horror. "It's to establish ownership, and to break whatever ties you may have had."

Why did this remind him of a certain event not that long ago? "…I can't believe you animals practice that shit! H-hey, wait!"

Kalus had his tail moving upward, inches from rubbing somewhere inappropriate when something snapped itself in half from behind. The leader of the Vandals turned around to see Vert planting his fist into the Vandal guarding their weapons, grabbing his sword from the pile and directing condemning vibes and glare upon the tiger reluctantly regarding him as a nuisance now.

"Kalus, you'd better get your fucking paws off of him!" Vert spat. The cat jerked backward in slight shock, unused to seeing or hearing such violence behind any retort from the subspecies directed at him of all people. Vert didn't back down. He moved forward and took down another Vandal jumping into the dominated fray with one swipe of his sword. That shark wasn't getting back up for a while.

"Uh, my lord Kalus…" Hatch said meekly from where he stood, "I b-believe that the human Vert…is not kidding around. May I suggest—"

"Stuff your suggestions and mind your place, vermin!" Kalus spat to the jumping Hatch. "If he seeks to challenge me, then so be it! I will enjoy ripping you to—EH?"

Vert didn't wait for a signal. He was leaping into the air and screaming bloody murder, death in his eyes and the passion of a starved man fueling a fire that had everyone speechless. Stanford, thrown from the fray before it erupted into an all out one man brawl, got up and dusted himself off. He forcibly did not think about what would have happened, and punched Krocomodo right in his jaw when the reptile tried to reign him back in.

Stanford was sure he broke or bruised something in his hand, but right now, he was satisfied with watching that Vandal drop like a rock and listening to Kalus scream horridly when Vert unleashed his misplaced frustrations and rightful anger out on his hide.

Agura, Tez, and Zoom had a feeling that it would be a long time before Kalus ever thought to bother them again.

"I still say he'd make good jerky," Tez remarked. "His hide would probably be good coat for winter in old country."

"…We should probably stop him," Zoom mused. "Probably."

"No rush," Agura said. "I'm all for letting Vert turn him to jerky."

They waited a good ten minutes before being let out of their cages by a frantic Hatch pleading for them to stop their leader. Vert was still up and rearing to go, but Kalus…well, he wasn't up as much as being upright and conscious. A lucky punch had taken him out and Vert had leapt on his body to continuously punch his face in.

The four of them had to drag him off of Kalus, and the large cat yowled when Vert took a piece of his fur as a souvenir with his hands.

The vandals wisely decided not to pursue them, especially after the fused ShockBlade made a return trip and not only leveled half of their camp, but stole what they'd been looking for and giving Kalus a reason to start learning how to sprint faster.

* * *

><p>"You're never going to Vandal again!"<p>

Stanford wasn't going to disagree with it. "Yeah, that was a given."

"I mean it! Unless there is no other option, and we will **exhaust all options**, you're never ever to set foot on Vandal again!"

After getting back from Vandal in one piece more or less, they'd raced back to the hub and delivered the goods to Sage. Tez had actually delivered the goods with Zoom and Agura, who, of course, couldn't wait to tell everyone just how ape-shit Vert had gone and why he'd gotten to that point. It was their little bit of awesome for the week. They were allowed to revel in it and have the others wishing they'd seen it or figuring that the tiger had it coming. Tez shocked them all by bringing up the video of those tense moments, and it was dubbed at the end of that tale to be probably the most epic freak-out ever.

Sage looked at Sherman sideways. "…maybe we should reconsider this…withdrawal…as a future use for weaponry."

The taller Cortez brother shrugged his shoulders which were currently occupied by AJ. "Maybe…but not for a while," he said looking back at the growling Canadian. "The repercussions could be devastating, even if we allowed that to dominate our driving force in the battlefield."

"There was the matter of leveling half their camp on the return trip," Tez mentioned, "And probably teaching a certain cat that I have a fondness for cut up meat dried to the consistency of hoof. It was most enlightening. I have a craving for Slim Jim now."

Sage waved her hand towards Tez's smug grin. "How is that a repercussion?"

Sherman couldn't answer her. He was a little too busy minding AJ's hands, and then not minding anyone else when the Canadian marked his claim with a rumbling chuckle.

Agura rolled her eyes. "Men."

"I don't know about you, but I'm taking a shower," Stanford announced. "And then I'm going to bleach my brain. I never want to think about what happened again…EVER."

"What did happen?" Spinner asked. "Why was Kalus pawing at you like that? Get it? Pawing? OW!"

Agura took her hand from the back of his head. "Idiot."

"Seriously…it is something to inquire," Tez mused. "I couldn't hear him from where we were, but I believe he said something about a smell…"

"He said I smelt enticing," Stanford spat irritably. "Like I haven't before? I wash! Oh…maybe it was my body wash?"

No it wasn't that. Sherman certainly didn't think so when he took into account that animals, intelligent or not followed their basic instincts. "Maybe it was the fact that you're emitting pheromones like that of a female," Sherman surmised. "Kalus is an animal, and it would surprise me if he scented that about you…"

Stanford opened his mouth to reply. Nothing came out, because he was yelping as he was tugged backward by a very disturbed and somewhat possessive Vert dragging him towards the back rooms to shove him under the shower. "Right now, I don't give a damn what Kalus was scenting, or whatever!" he snapped. "He touches Stanford again, Tez will have his jerky and Zoom with have good luck charms to send to the monastery. I'm sure Zen would love a tiger's toe as a key chain."

"And Vert has lost his mind," Spinner mumbled. "It was only a matter of time."

"Nah bruh, he's re-staking his claim is all," AJ chuckled. "Vert doesn't share his personal items well, especially people he's dating. He tends to get a little…Lion-like."

Lion-like was the understatement of the day. Stanford was being dragged out of sight without that tunic thing to accompany him. That was left in the main room at the door, soon to be burned into nothingness when Tez got a hold of it. "Well, we wanted to know more about Vandals…and I think today was a big lesson for all."

"That Kalus is a freak and he won't be bothering us for a while either?" Agura asked.

"Well, that…and Stanford is making headway in this war without him meaning to. I believe his gender alteration is enhancing the protective and somewhat violent side of Vert. Before, he was simply trying to protect everyone. Now, he's how you say, quite the mother bear when it comes to Stanford."

"More like rabid dog," Zoom chuckled. "I'm sure it'll work itself out…"

* * *

><p>Stanford closed his door behind him, toweling his messy head absently. He didn't have to look to know Vert was sitting on his bed. It was a given, because Vert was predictable when it came to things like this. He'd done it before they were something more than teammates, planting himself on his bed to talk to him about one thing or another that was bothering their leader. Most times it was about Stanford's insecurity when he botched something up, but as the months rolled by he wondered if it had more to do with Vert checking to see if he was all right from a physical stand point. Mentally, well…anyone with Simon for a brother and brought up to act like royalty didn't have much of a swaying psyche. Stanford tended to brush things off and leave it as it was.<p>

Vert wasn't quite like that. He worried a lot more than he let on. Today had frightened him in ways he wasn't sure he'd ever want to talk about, but it had happened, and the very real reality of what Sherman suggested smacked him hard in the stomach. Stanford wasn't the same old Brit that loved techno or anything loud enough to make the walls vibrate, had an air of royalty in his stride and attitude, or the teen that wanted to leap first into Vert's arms and kiss him senseless wherever. He'd changed…and he wasn't sure if Stanford could care for himself as effectively as he did before.

If Kalus smelled that on him…he hated to think what those Reds would do if they ever knew.

"Stanford…we're going to have to be really careful about who knows what," Vert said softly. "I nearly became a taxidermist today…"

"I wouldn't have objected to it."

"Yeah…but I would have. Probably after I got finished mounting him on a platform."

Stanford's lips twisted themselves a bit upward. He slid the towel off of his head; the faux mo-hawk vanished until he decided to do it up again. The messy locks framing his face did little to hide the open desire swimming in his eyes, and the slight apprehension of obeying the natural instincts of his body being drawn to the blonde god staring up at him.

Yet, he kept himself where he was for the moment, stalling just a bit longer to pry that thorn of fear out of Vert's side with some thoughts of his own. "I'm not the best fighter," he admitted. "And granted, I'm not the strongest…but I do have my ways of getting out of things Vert."

"Yeah?"

"For sure…I mean, Kalus is a male after all…and I am the product of a very independent woman and boisterous man."

"…I'm confused."

"I would have knocked his testicles up to his jaw line…" he said, ignoring the open wince on his fiancé's face. It was a cold open fact, and he was in the right position to do so…or to slip the shard of glass he'd acquired on the way into that tiger's side. Vert didn't have to know that part. "It works a lot for blokes who don't get the hint. In case you haven't noticed, Kitty likes to leave it swinging in the wind."

Vert really hadn't noticed that. He wasn't looking at it exactly, but… "When were you paying attention?"

"When he was draped over his fucking car upchucking," Stanford muttered. "Nearly ruined my taste for fish. I've also taken some self defense lessons…at my mother's insistence."

"…really?"

"She dragged me everywhere when I was a kid, Vert. I really didn't have much choice in the matter…although now I understand why she did it…Males are presumptuous bastards sometimes."

"Stanford—"

"I know what you're going to say Vert…and frankly, it's not far from the truth. I really need to find a way to defend myself better…especially now…good god, I never thought I'd ever have to think of myself as the damsel. That is so not right!"

Probably, but Vert wasn't going to say that. He was too focused on reaching to grab the ends of the towel covering Stanford's torso, yanking them and effectively tugging Stanford closer. Rather than resisting, Stanford followed the soft tug, stopping briefly to undo the folded tuck under his arms.

The lilac towel fell down in a heap at his feet.

Neither man noticed it much, too engrossed with the feel of one another when Stanford straddled Vert's lap, arms curling around the broad shoulders supporting ripped arms that enveloped his slightly tapered waist. Before it was like a board tapering down to the v of his hips, angular and worth worshiping time and time again. Now there was a slight divot in that path, one that allowed Stanford to curl more readily into Vert's embrace and lift just enough to let those fingers touch.

"Are you sure, babe?" He moved his fingers a little lower, tracing the very edge of that soft moist skin, biting the edge of his lip when his lover arched into his touch and allow Vert's fingers to slip just enough to feel how sure he was. "Stanford…"

"Vert…I'm sure. If I wasn't…you wouldn't…aaah! Be…teasing…me!"

"…does this mean my violent streak is over? I'm no longer banned from my cake?"

"Quite," Stanford breathed warmly against his neck. "And…feel free to lick the icing off."

Nothing surprised Vert these days. Not the fact that Stanford had somehow heard that conversation, not his sudden flare of arousal, and not his willingness to do just that.

* * *

><p>All right...that's it for the moment! More In January 2012! :)<p>

Honestly there's more, but I want to backtrack and add some more without looking like I'm diving headfirst when I really am. :D


	5. Mishap 5

_AN: _

_All right, time for an update!_

_In case you haven't noticed, I'm not moving forward with the BF5 fics as quickly as I was before. I'm actually in school right now and waiting on the movie to come out to shape out the rest of the previous story._

_However, it shouldn't affect this one too much. I mean, it is an Mpreg after all and it's more comedy than seriousness._

_In any case, apologies all around for anyone waiting on a response! I do appreciate the reviews I get, especially in this fandom. :D_

_Onward to the FREAK OUT! XD_

* * *

><p><em>Fast Forward<em>

_a.k.a_

_As the multiverse turns upside down_

* * *

><p><strong><span>Two months later:<span>**

"All right people, wrap this up!" Vert announced. "Frankly I'm tired, and we have a portal to catch! Buster, Tangler! Fuse up!"

Vert launched the fuser with practiced ease, zooming past it and the lightshow that followed when the Smashclaw was on the scene and trashing the Red Sentients with a vengeance. Kybuuri was the first to get smashed, snatched out of the air and pummeled with one claw while the other knocked away Krylox. He and his vehicle hit the surrounding columns hard enough to take him out as well as that pillar of rock.

Stanford zoomed in front of Vert, guns blazing and firing when Kyrten was within range. He used the sonic thrust of his car to flip him over the suicidal red, still firing his guns and landing to drive backwards with a punishing final shot. Kryten didn't have a moment to scream. He was finished before the thought occurred and headed back to his regeneration chamber even faster.

Krytus, highly angered by the sudden turn, whipped his car around to take out the Reverb. Stanford had only just whipped himself around when he spied Syfurious coming at him like a charging rhino. He spun hard to the right, avoiding his blunt attack with a sonic thrust from the bottom of his car. The affect effect sent Krytus veering hard into the waiting Saber with its chainsaw out and waiting to saw Syfurious and its owner in half.

"Wow, they're getting better at that," Agura mused.

"They've been around another long enough," Spinner commented from below. "Besides, I think they have pressing matters at hand."

The Saber pulled up beside the Reverb, seeming to purr when it was close enough. "Stanford, ey okay in there?" Vert questioned.

"I'm fine," Stanford replied, "but we're not going to be fine if we don't get back in time. Get the lead out Vert! We've been waiting too long for this! And that goes for the rest of you lot! Let's go!"

The Smashclaw reverted back into the Buster and Tangler, with its patrons laughing or smiling at Stanford's impatience. He had his reasons behind it, and Vert close behind him with the others as the portal opened itself wide to unveil the glamour of a beautiful day unmarred by their little excursion in the battlefield behind them.

The landed with grace and stopped shy of Zoom adjusting his tie. Tez was aside him wiping his lapels, eyeing the rather large clock that was ten minutes from telling all that it was nearly two in the afternoon. "As usual, you manage to do the impossible," Tez stated to his teammates scrambling out of their cars. "Now please to be hurrying…the wedding starts in fifteen minutes."

"It's not our fault that storm shocks and Reds have seriously messed up timing!" Vert exclaimed. "But leave it to them to do it today of all days."

"Less talk, more RUN," Stanford cried. "We're not being late for our own wedding!"

"You heard the man!" Vert laughed. "Get moving!"

* * *

><p>"Mum…are you seriously crying right now?"<p>

The woman on the other end of the video conference call blew her nose and sobbed a little more_. "I'm sorry,"_ she cried, _"I'm just so h-happy! And I'm so upset that I couldn't make it!"_

"Yeah well, your other boy made it for you…"

They could both hear him in the background retelling the tales that need not be told for the sake of not telling. Stanford rolled his eyes. Of course his mother laughed at the usual reaction he gave when it came to Simon, even if she did agree at times.

_"Oh, Stanford…he loves you. He's just…a little **competitive**."_

"Like you and Aunt Petunia?"

_"That Harlot never knows when to quit!"_

Stanford grinned at her softening face melting to smile as brightly as he felt. She touched the screen with her free hand as she tended to when she wasn't able to touch him for real. "_I can't believe it's been a year already…"_ she said softly. "_Two years ago you were telling me you were moving to America…and a few months ago, you say you're getting married...to a handsome American no less. Where is my new son-in-law anyhow?"_

As if she had to ask. Vert was aside him, greeting him with a kiss and waving at his giggling new mother in law. "Hey Mrs. Rhodes," he greeted. "Sorry you couldn't make it…"

_"Yes, well…it's not your fault that the royal wedding took place on the same day…really, I ought to keep my mouth shut around certain folk,_" she muttered. _"I swear sometimes they live to spite me._"

"Yeah, well…you know those royals."

_"I do indeed…and while I wish them the best, I do hope whatever children they have don't inherit that unfortunate hair loss…or a certain older Prince's Ears."_

"I think we all can agree to that," Stanford mused.

_"I suppose I'd better let you go._" They could tell she didn't want to, but the wailing in the background from passing patrons of the wedding was annoying her in ways that made Joan Rivers sound tame. Her husband wandered into the picture, kissing the side of her head and waving at the image gagging openly or smiling at them. She blew a kiss towards each and said, _"Send me the video and photos, and enjoy your honeymoon, luv! Your father sends his regards. Love you, dear."_

"Love you, too, mum. Dad, try not to insult Cousin Freddie! He's a drunkard, not a wino."

Isaac Rhodes III grinned at his son and proceeded to do just that. The video feed ended and erased the lovely dark-haired beauty from their sights as she tried unsuccessfully not to laugh. Vert kissed Stanford on his cheek, keeping him from dwelling too much on the fact that his parents couldn't quite make the wedding. "We'll see them around thanksgiving," he soothed. "And then they can fuss over you properly."

"That's if the war decides to give us a reprieve for the hols…you know old kitty face has it in for you."

"And I respect that. I also respect the economical value of his hide being donated to Chinese stores throughout the tri state area."

"…I find myself falling in love with you all over again."

"Ooh, that's too bad. I'm a married man now."

"So?" Stanford leaned in close enough for their noses to brush, twin smiles of content on their faces as he slipped further into Vert's open embrace. "I'm sure your spouse won't mind much."

"In that case…"

"And there's more of the sucking face we have ALL come to love," Spinner announced. They kissed anyhow, further pressed to do so when Spinner threw his hands up in the air in mock disgust. "Come on people! It's a party! You two are supposed to be on the floor with the rest of us!"

There was no arguing with that. Vert took Stanford's hand into his and guided him from behind the elaborately decorated table to lead him to the dance floor where everyone who could dance was doing their best to do so. It wasn't hard to get into the swing of things, or the swinging of their hips rather as the music provided by the one and only Stanford Rhodes blared with the help of his brother playing DJ. For once Simon wasn't boasting about his better skills. He was busy ripping it up for the people on the floor partying like tomorrow would never come.

The portal they'd taken back to the earth had dropped them off at a nearby town not too far from handler corners. It was a nice enough suburban town where Sheriff Johnson resided when he wasn't busy chasing them down the dirt roads of the salt flats. A real mom and pop type of place, Vert was familiar with it and the patrons of the town, as he had done some growing up here when he wasn't helping his dad out in his garage. After he vanished, there really wasn't a reason to go back but so much.

That quickly changed when he decided to marry Stanford. He wanted to do it right and do it big, on a budget of course, so he'd ventured into that small town hoping to get some help from the priest. What he got was the whole town gabbing about his soon to be marriage, and the women wondering who the lucky girl was that managed to catch the last Wheeler in these parts.

Imagine their faces when he mentioned that it was a man. A good bit of the town he expected to shake their fingers at him and declare him a heathen. Good old Mrs. Jenkins didn't have a problem with that, but her daughter, Katie, who was a lesbian and cared for her mother in her final stages of dementia had told her to shush. She was the first to offer a hand to help, and it snowballed from there when Johnson of all people asked if they had filled out the paperwork.

Vert truly hadn't expected the help like it came, but he was grateful for it and the way the town had naturally expected him to settle down in its depths once more. The thought was tempting, but it was too far from the garage. He couldn't possibly leave Sage and the others out there like that. Not when he was the leader of this unknown war and couldn't quite afford the bliss of married life just yet. He also didn't want to disappoint the town.

As a compromise, he'd promised to restore and visit the house he'd left in the care of neighbors until he was ready to truly settle down. The town accepted this, and for his effort, they had pieced together probably the only wedding he could safely admit to crying in. It was just a little moisture, but it had been noticed by his best man, AJ, ready and waiting with the handkerchief.

And to think…that random storm shock had almost cause them to miss this!

"Smile!"

The flash went off with their grins. Agura backed away with a laugh and started snapping photos of the others scattered around the dance floor. Spinner was stuffing his face at the buffet table, talking games with some of the younger people that had attended. AJ was on the floor with Sherman, laughing as he taught Sherman some of the simpler steps for a man with two left feet. Tez was recording the whole thing, waving at them when he aimed the camera their way. They waved back, chuckling when Agura caught him off guard and dragged him out to the dance floor.

The Russian proved to have some rather smooth moves. He even gave Zoom and Grace a run for their money as they partied to the sounds of **_Kaskade_**. Even Sheriff Johnson and his old lady were getting into it, though it was hard to see that Johnson could have a face other than severe behind those cop glasses. Spinner actually choked on a meatball.

Seeing all of this in motion had Vert in slight awe of just how quickly time seemed to pass them by. It didn't seem that long ago that they were diving into the unknown, new to one another and the concept of something bigger than themselves. Stanford turned around in his arms and kissed him soundly, steering his thoughts to other changes that had occurred only a few months ago. The tight form fitting white tux on his spouse was doing nothing to hide the curves that had settled on a ramrod body once firmer than his own. It was comforting and disconcerting, but an exciting aspect because only he knew why this body fit so nicely into the groove of his arms. Androgynous was the word he was looking for when he parted from that familiar face, still angular but softer in feel and look. It was probably why the women were so quick to regard him as handsomely beautiful and the men, while loathe to admit it, couldn't quite keep their eyes off of him.

Vert certainly couldn't keep his eyes off of Stanford, or keep himself from thinking about tonight…

"I can't believe your parents are shipping all of us to Florida," Vert said. He couldn't think about tonight without giving it away, and he really didn't want to have some of the older women here comparing him to his father in their fantasies. It was no secret that his Dad was a catch. "What inspired that?" Shame he wasn't here…

"Mmm, their fascination with how much of an Epic Fail Euro Disney was and their attempt to rectify that wrong by sending us somewhere awesome..."

"They asked and you threw them a bone."

"You know me by now love. Every opportunity given is taken advantage of…be glad they didn't pay for the wedding…it wouldn't have happened until next year with how often my mum changes her mind."

It was going to be interesting meeting them face to face later on in the year. Vert hoped to have by then ended this stupid war and had a proper reason to be worried about something. Granted he was nervous speaking to them a week after Stanford had dutifully announced their engagement to everyone, but they were in another country, over a screen, and couldn't choke him for not being introduced properly to the parents of his beloved.

Hell, had anyone told him about any of this two years prior, he would have blamed heat stroke and deemed them insane.

Stanford stopped dancing and placed his face against Vert's shoulder. It was happening again. The strange wave of nausea that erupted out of nowhere and killed whatever mood was in the air. Stanford had attributed it to nerves about the wedding, but after a week it was starting to worry Vert a bit.

"Babe, everything all right?"

"Hmm…I think all the excitement's gone to my head," Stanford murmured. "I'll be all right…"

"Let's sit down. We'll dance when you've got some fuel in you."

He'd skipped breakfast this morning, much to Vert's admonishment. Stanford had literally reeled at the thought of eating anything because his stomach was flipping so badly. Warm tea had settled him down, and the adrenaline of rushing to take out the Reds had made him forget about his stomach or his jitters when they were almost late to their wedding. Without thinking about it, he rubbed his stomach gently, soothing himself and the ugly flares of bubbling ick still wanting out. He was still rubbing it when Vert came back, handing him a ginger ale and some of the lighter foods available.

"Do me a favor?"

"Yes Love?"

"Stay away from Zeke's stew today. I don't think your stomach can handle it."

Stanford didn't think so either…and he was starting to believe that this ick was something more than nerves.

* * *

><p>Sage was getting ready for a short hibernation when she noticed that a certain rock guardian was in the room, unannounced, glaring, and waiting for her to notice him. Had she been slightly like her brother, she would have turned her back and gone to sleep on him and made him wait for a change. Yet she wasn't, though her irritation was a bit apparent on her face when she did turn to meet him.<p>

"Is something the matter?" she asked.

"No; there's nothing concerning the multiverse or anything vital," Rawkus stated. "If there were something wrong, you would know, and I would have fixed it by now."

Sage rolled her eyes a bit and fixed her hands to her hips. "Then why are you here? You're supposed to be balancing the powers of good and evil, correct?"

"…you need sleep."

"Apparently. I was planning on going into hibernation before you appeared out of thin air."

Rawkus smirked a little at her ire. The Blue Sentient was really starting to grow a proper backbone. It was something to admire, and something that would most definitely piss her brother off. It was an equal trade for the nonsense Krytus had caused in his attempt to erase the other halves of a whole race.

But that wasn't the reason he was here. It truly didn't have anything to do with his main mission. He was here of his own volition and most definitely to entertain himself with the look of utter shock on Sage's face when he handed her what he'd come here with.

"Are…are you certain?" she asked softly. "Has…that actually happened?"

"It's going to happen sooner or later," Rawkus chuckled. "When it does, hand them this. The Nu'muha sent it with their regards."

"…sometimes I think you do this because you're bored," Sage muttered. "Other times, I'm led to believe that you think a lot of this is funny…and you're probably right in a sense."

"Mmm…well, they'll have time to really get a handle on it soon enough." When she stared at him wide eyed, trying to decipher his unsaid meaning, he smirked slightly and confirmed her thoughts. "This war is about to come to a head, so…I suggest you prep yourselves. There will be a conclusion sooner than you think."

The rock guardian showed himself out. Sage, still tired, placed the item he'd brought to hand her personally next to the gift he'd left without speaking of it. It was just like the rock warrior to do something covertly. His mission was to keep the balance, but even the most enlightened of people or disciplined had their reservations and selfish notions to contend with. Rawkaus was no different, and perhaps a bit of a sap if she allowed herself to think about it long enough.

She hit a button on her console to alert her when the team returned from their festivities. As entertaining as it sounded, she had a feeling that she'd be in the middle of the fireworks when they returned.

* * *

><p>"Man, that reception was awesome! Who knew town folk could party hard like its 1999?"<p>

None of them did, which made it all the more sweeter to relish in their memories when they arrived at the garage. Spinner was still running on party mode. He leapt out of the buster the moment they were inside of the hub, hands thrust upwards and jumping as if he'd been injected with ten pounds of raw sugar.

Zoom was prone to believe that to be the case. Mrs. Finnegan's brownies were sweeter than Pop Grant's pastries, which couldn't top the fruit-punch Zeke made without the alcohol this time. Zoom never wanted to see Vert inebriated again…it was just too by the wayside for his brain to take.

Much like Spinner running around in circles.

"How much sugar did he ingest?"

"Enough to keep him wired for a little while," Sherman laughed. "If he crashes, it might be a moment before he resets himself. Hopefully nothing pops up."

AJ, a little worn out, was not above replying to that with his arms coming to circle around Sherman's waist. "Mmm, I wouldn't oppose to something popping up…"

"And my high is gone," Spinner exclaimed. He pointed accusingly at the smirking Canadian. "YOU, seriously have too much testosterone. And NO, I don't want to hear about how you plan to use it!"

Sherman laughed at his twin as AJ slowly started to drag them away. "He's getting used to you, babe."

"And I'm sure the familiar grunts, groans, and moans won't bother the lad, eh?"

"Yes they will!" Spinner screamed. "They will bother me a lot! How do they not bother anyone else?"

"Earplugs dude," Zoom announced. "You'd be amazed at how they drown shit out."

The forlorn look on Spinners face set them off, laughter bubbling from everyone as their adrenaline came rushing down. They were indeed tired, Tez probably more so than the others. He was the unexpected life of the party, proving that while probably not the most versatile in social skills, he could and did cut a rug like no other. His thighs ached sweetly in his retelling of the Russian dance, and why even at an old age his family still had thighs of steel.

"I will be feeling this for quite some time," he muttered to no one in particular. "But, I must admit, it was a fun time had by all, no?"

"I certainly had fun!" Agura saddled up to him and kissed him on the cheek, stunning the intellectual for the second time he'd known her. He still couldn't get over her in that dress…or in this one…or in how she gently wiped the bit of icing from the corner of his mouth with gentle teasing fingers. "You, Mr. Volitov, are an amazing dancer."

"Yes, well…I would pertain that to practice or natural talent, but I must admit that most of that comes from god knows how many parties in old country."

"Wherever you learned, you sure had everyone moving."

"Everyone accept the newlywed couple," Zoom snickered. "I would have expected Stanford to be the one dancing his head off."

Stanford gave him a waning smile, one that was quickly replaced with a look of sudden sick that had the Brit dashing for the nearest bathroom. The martial artist was highly confused, as was everyone else when they turned to Vert for answers. Their leader could only shrug their way, worry obvious as was his intent to give Stanford that privacy to unleash the contents of his stomach. They'd already had enough issues because of certain changes. He wasn't about to go against his wishes not to be seen in the _unflattering worship of the porcelain goddess_ as his new spouse had put it.

It was tempting to do so though. He couldn't count the number of times Stanford had watched him lose the contents of his stomach that one time he had food poisoning.

"You think Zeke's stew didn't sit right?" Spinner questioned.

"He's been like this for about a week," Vert sighed. "He said it was nerves…"

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem now that it's over with. Besides, we're going to Florida! I want to see Mickey Mouse!"

"Mickey Mouse? Why would you want to meet a giant mouse named Mickey?" Tez asked.

"Because that's what you do when you go to Disney Land. Duh! I mean, it's like they say after someone wins the World Series or whatever. What are you going to do now that you've won the war against psycho Red Sentient and talking rugs? I'm going to DISNEY!"

Tez reached out and flicked the tip of Spinner's nose. "You, my friend, are just plain silly."

"Whatever. I'm still going to Disney Land."

"Hey, did anyone leave a gift out in the open?" Zoom asked. He'd noticed the gift when he'd turned around to see if Sage was around, sitting there on one of the work benches with something else glimmering aside it. "I thought they were all in the Buster…"

_"That gift, Zoom, would be from a certain guardian who sends his regards."_

Sage appeared from her hibernation, stretching herself out much like a well rested cat. They'd gotten used to seeing her pop in and out, but it was still a little weird watching her do something so human like. She resisted blowing their minds with a yawn.

With a crook of her fingers, she sent the box over in Vert's direction. "That is from Rawkus," she explained. If Vert's eyes were any wider…well, it wasn't possible for them to fall out but… "He stopped by a while ago. I'm not sure what it is and I didn't inquire."

"Wow. Uh…thanks? I think?"

"You can thank him the next time he pops in out of nowhere."

"Does anyone else here sense hostility towards that?" Spinner asked, "Because I do."

"My apologies Spinner," Sage sighed. "He tends to time his visits when I'm in the middle of something or about to hibernate for a while."

"Wow…and you haven't knocked him out yet?"

"What's the shiny thing on the bench?" Zoom questioned. "It doesn't look like a tool…"

"That…is a gift from the Na'muha," she said looking at Vert. "Rawkus dropped it off with his gift and said to give it to you when you were in need."

"When I'm in need?" Vert questioned. "Is it a weapon or something?"

Agura picked up the object from its resting place, holding it up for all to see. "Uh…I don't think this is a weapon," she mused. It was shiny as if it had been dipped in some type of precious metal and gleamed like light in the dimmest of rooms. Its shape reminded her of a toy rattle, but there was nothing colorful or nauseating about it in that sickeningly cute manner. She shook it a bit.

A soft tune like the swinging chimes in the gentle winds on a summer day resounded through the room. It reminded her of home, her mom, and those moments where she'd curl up against her grandmother and listen to her hum her hymns. She'd always fall asleep against her, afternoons flying by until dinner time. Her dreams were sweet, playful, and kind…and she'd always wake up knowing that the same kindness would see her in the morning.

Agura shook her head lightly to keep herself from drifting. It was perhaps the weirdest thing she'd ever felt. "Man, I thought I was about to drop," she muttered. "That sound…"

"It reminds me of my mother," Tez said quietly. "Or the times my father would pat me on the head."

"I have a craving for my Aunt's cooking now," AJ said. "And my dad's hot cocoa."

"….strangely enough, I want a bottle," Spinner mumbled.

Vert, not sure why everyone was suddenly reminded of the loved ones in their lives, pushed the bittersweet ache of his father outside of his head and took the item from Agura. It chimed again, but this time it was much softer and resounded in the deepest part of his heart. He thought of Stanford suddenly rather than what that object was doing, and then...

"…what is that sound?"

"Stanford?"

The Brit walked over to Vert, still a bit pale but flushed as if he'd seen something that he couldn't quite fathom. His breathing was a bit unsteady, as were his hands reaching out to grab Vert's when they reached out to grab his. The rattle chimed again within their joined fingers, this time glowing as it sung quietly between them. It was a song no one had ever heard, but somehow knew belonged to someone quite special. It was more of a feeling than anything else; instinct…and something more that had Stanford swallowing and Vert blinking stupidly as it finally dawned on him.

"…oh…"

"Yeah…oh…" Stanford sighed softly. "I wasn't…sure…I thought it was nerves…"

"…huh…okay…um…wow."

"…Vert?"

"Uh…I think…I think someone better have…smelling salts…"

"Smelling Salts?"

"Yeah…because…I'm going…down…"

He wasn't kidding. His eyes rolled up in the back of his skull and he dropped like a lead brick in ten times the gravity. Thankfully Sage kept him from slamming his head on the floor, but their leader was currently out cold.

"What? What? Did we miss something?" Spinner cried. "Why is he on the floor?"

"The same reason our Bro Steve was on the floor about five months ago." AJ gave Spinner a lopsided grin when the smaller Cortez couldn't quite figure his meaning. "Remember? It wasn't that long after I joined when Vert and I were talking, and I was mentioning that our buddy Steve had proposed to his girlfriend?"

"Yeah. But I thought that was after she…oh. OH. OH MY GOD! You! You're pregnant?"

"Nah…but I'm pretty sure Stanford is."

All eyes fell on Stanford. He blushed even more, but his attention was on Vert out cold on the floor.

"Just so you know, I'm NOT going to get a pregnancy test," Agura announced.

Much to everyone's silent shock, Stanford held up a small little stick they'd failed to notice before now.

* * *

><p>And a cliffy! XD<p>

Will he freak out? Will Spinner have heart failure? Will I ever post the next chapter?

Um...wait, what was the question? :D

More soon. ^-^ Special thanks tofor her marvelous reviews...and the shove I needed to post this one despite my hesitance. :D


	6. Mishap 6

_ Omg, it's another update...with hilarity! XD_

_I know this isn't a popular fandom, and I know people probably scream when they see this sitting in the mundane normal mary sue-esque stories that have nothing but original characters, choppy chapters, and inconceivable pairings with plots that make no sense (okay, I'm ranting a little but it's hard to find a good fic in this fandom and I favorite the ones that catch my EYE *HINT*) but I do work hard to please the two ladies that review each time. :)_

_Thanks girls. I give you this chapter with my apologies for any stitches in your side at the end of this. ;)_

* * *

><p><em>What to expect when you're expecting<em>

_a.k.a._

_How to Bubble Wrap the Reverb_

* * *

><p>"I should have mentioned that there was a high chance of conception around the time of change," Sage said. "At the time, I was led to believe that Stanford would not allow Vert to touch him in any sexual manner. I failed to take into account several factors…and I thought this might be a possibility after the war had ceased to be."<p>

"Um, it wasn't even a thought to consider!" Stanford cried. "I mean…hello? I was just getting used to the fact that I would be stabbed once a month and that two orgasms at once can and will make you black out—"

"Oh my god, I totally do not want to hear that!" Spinner protested, shoving his hands over his ears. "THAT is just a little much!"

"Oh, well excuse me, **_germaphobe_** central, but right now, I could give a rat's ass about what you want to hear!"

"Whoa, pissy much? Dwahh!"

"Could you please refrain from throwing anything?" Sage pleaded. "It'll disrupt the scan and I'll have to start all over again."

Stanford dropped the tool he'd grabbed back on the tray and sat back with a little shove from Sage's insistent hands. Spinner, grateful that the sharp object had been dropped, figured that his health was in greater chances of staying intact if he went elsewhere.

Agura grabbed him by his collar before he could get too far and dragged his protesting body back.

"So, basically, what you were saying is that Stanford had a high probability of being impregnated regardless of his short lived celibacy that resulted in two enemies lying low for a while, right?" Sherman said, "Which by the way, was a big help."

Vert moaned looking up at the ceiling. "I said I was sorry, didn't I?" They were never going to let him live that down. Ever. He certainly wouldn't have if it was someone else, but how was he supposed to know withdrawal would do that to a normally sound man?

"No, you didn't…and you," Agura said pointing the finger in Stanford's face, "Don't you dare go cold turkey on him again! We can't risk that kind of damage!"

"Hey, I didn't plan this!" Stanford cried. "And I wasn't planning on cutting him off at the nuts...I was hoping he wasn't going to cut mine **_off_**…"

"I think that's **MY** line," Vert muttered.

"…You still have those? Oh shit!"

"Spinner, just keep your mouth shut if you want to live a little longer than two point five milliseconds!" Tez snapped. "I know your curiosity is getting the better of you, but please, I'd rather not have to explain to anyone why there is a blunt object upside your cranium. And yes, he still has them…his function as a male has not ceased. He could still impregnate a female if he so chooses."

"He'd better not!"

"I'm not!"

"Guys, focus!" AJ exclaimed. "We have other pressing matters to deal with…like the little one I'm staring at on the screen…"

Sage stepped out of the way of the hologram coming to life before their eyes. It was a little breathtaking seeing something like that up close and personal, never thinking about the possibility until it was in one's personal space. Whatever bickering had been going on was silenced with that small feat floating effortlessly, wriggling in the warm haven that was Stanford's womb unaware of the people watching it in awe.

"Oh wow," Agura cried softly. "She looks like a little peanut…"

"She?" Sherman teased.

"It could be a she…or him. I don't know, but I'm going with the she thing. Ooh, how about a nickname?"

"I vote for peanut."

"Peanut it is!"

Stanford snapped out of his stupor and glared at the grinning twosome. "Did you just name my child after a legume?"

"Peanut's a cute name," Zoom cooed. "Besides, it's better than calling your kid '_it'_."

"…point taken."

"Besides, dude…when it does become a he or a she, we can totally fight over names!"

**_Oh dear lord_**. Never in his life would he have imagined Zoom of all people to be excited over naming something that was currently named after a legume swimming in his womb. He thought about that, and decided that he wasn't going to question that no more than questioning the fact that he was pregnant…or able to get pregnant…or pregnant at all! It was like some weird pseudo dream that needed Sigmund Freud to decipher the inner meaning which would in turn be complete bullshit because no one, not even that crazed maniac, would have imagined this!

He felt his spouse's hand slip into his own before he could fall into an all out panic attack. The immediate response was to turn and lie and say he was all right, but that fell short of his lips when he saw Vert staring at that little unborn life with tears in his eyes. When Vert did turn to meet his eyes, Stanford realized a couple of things pretty quickly.

The first thing, the more obvious points of what he saw in his husband trying not to look down, was the guilt. As a leader, it always fell into Vert's lap to protect everyone and get them home in one piece. He took pride in that. It was something he cherished more than a win even if it was a bonus to his ego. He never bragged out right about it, but it was more than apparent when a mission had gone well. He'd be smiling, even if he had to spend several hours repairing his vehicle.

Vert wasn't smiling now. He was thinking, which within itself was a bad thing right now. He was thinking about what Stanford had thought the moment he'd decided to grab one of those tests he'd bought as a precaution when they'd gotten all the other…stuff. He'd only thought about it the one time before he'd expressed that he didn't want to have sex for a while, to which Vert had agreed and gone on a violent streak against the villains in their lives. Despite that, and the nagging notion that this week long nausea wasn't going away, the moment he'd seen the results he'd sunk down against the door and held himself wondering just how close he came to losing this.

He'd put this little innocent life at risk…and while he hadn't known it didn't make the guilt lift itself. Vert felt twice as guilty, and it didn't stop there.

Vert **had** thought about it. This. What was happening right now in front of them. Stanford wasn't sure how he knew or why it didn't upset him like it would have a few weeks ago, but he knew that Vert was really laying the blame on himself now. He tended to do that when things turned themselves upside down inside out instead of looking at the whole picture. Stanford hated it when Vert tended to do things on his own, but he hated it more when he shut himself off thinking that it was his fault alone.

Granted this was not a topic of conversation. Stanford refused to bring it up let alone think about it. Vert had mentioned it in passing, but he quickly moved onto something else. It was hard enough adjusting to the new gait of his walk, finding clothes that fit, and adjusting to the slightly more girly mentality that came with ovaries. But a child? This soon? In the middle of a war?

Oh yes, Vert was busily blaming himself…but he was forgetting one important thing.

"Love…in case you forgot, it takes two," Stanford sighed. He lifted the chin that had fallen, meeting those watery blue eyes with his own green ones on the verge of breaking the dam behind them. "If what Sage said is true, then it was going to happen…even if we did do the responsible thing with the condoms."

"But…I shouldn't have…"

"Vert…if you hadn't…I think the multiverse villains would be in a right snit about that chainsaw of yours up its ass…and…I wouldn't have come to accept…that it's not going to change anything about me aside…well, you know."

"…maybe I should have…then I probably wouldn't want to do it now. It'd be done."

Stanford playfully swatted his head. "And you'd really feel guilty. You're a fair fighting man, Vert…and I love that about you."

"Stanford…Are you **sure**?"

Sure? No, he wasn't sure about the whole aspects of parenthood and what it would entail. He was nervous as hell, and tempted to lock himself in a room somewhere and cry for about an hour wondering what god thought this would be funny! He'd only married the man of his dreams hours ago and now…now this?

The very thought of one sure solution to all this sickened him quite a bit, but he had to consider this part of it as well. His reaction when that word popped in his head…he wanted to find the bathroom and just let his stomach out, and then knockout the people that allowed it. The Brit knew what was coming before Vert could even suggest it, and shook his head before Vert could kill himself saying it.

"…I want this…Vert…" Yes, he was freaking out, yes his husband could see it, and yes, this wasn't the most conventional way to go about this, but what he knew more than anything was that he wasn't going to do the stupid thing and throw away this little miracle. "While I would have liked to have had time to get used to…my **change**, we can't take it out on a life that didn't ask to be here."

It was sad to think that this was probably the most mature thing he'd said in a while, but he meant it as he folded his free hand over his stomach. He'd probably freak out over it later, and he'd probably cry hysterically, but right now…he embraced the hand that twined with his own and melded into the kiss of acceptance Vert left on the side of his head. The tears came later, but he wiped them away as Vert had done for him at the beginning of this weird mess.

"That is just too sweet," Agura cooed. "I claim auntie!"

"Dibs on Godfather!" AJ shouted. "Aw man, I hope it's a girl."

"Why a girl?"

"Because Vert would so KILL me if it was a boy…considering half the crap we did as kids."

"You are SO not teaching my son any of that!" Vert cried. "I mean, we duct tapped our snowmobiles together!"

"Yeeeeeep."

"Good times…but, we won't teach peanut that," he said when Stanford glared at him. His husband was probably more upset over the peanut nickname than anything else, but it never hurt to cover his tracks. "I promise! We'll just stick to banning him, or her, from cars until they're twenty-five."

Zoom snorted. "Like that's gonna work. They'll have you two for parents…and us for uncles and aunts. We'll so trick out that tricycle!"

Tricking out a tricycle was the least of their worries. While it was nice to see the others readily accepting this, as strange as it was, there was still the heavy weighing reality of a war on their hands. Shit, and he'd been in a battle not a couple of hours ago! "Sage…everything's all right…right? I mean…today…it didn't…"

"I see nothing wrong with the fetus," Sage assured. "It's too soon to tell whether it will be male or female, but you look to be about twelve weeks into gestation."

"…oh god…"

"Vert? Is something the matter?"

"…no. That sounds about right…" He looked over at Stanford and fought down the blush that appeared on his cheeks. "Um…I think in the middle of our…frenzy…I just might have…done that thing I thought I did about two months ago…"

"It's possible," a very red Stanford agreed. "I mean…I don't even remember some of it. I just kept waking up and…really wanting…oh shit, I conceived out of wedlock! WHY am I even saying that!"

"Same reason any reasonable parent to be would…you actually have some morals in you."

Stanford, as much as he disliked that answer, huffed and went back to staring at peanut. "…I hate it that you know me so well…and I hate that I'm calling our baby peanut like the rest of you buggers." The name stuck, and it was fitting considering that their child did resemble a peanut somewhat. Oh god. Their baby.

It only meant one sure thing right now. "I'm on reserve, aren't I, Vert."

"Like you would not BELIEVE," he assured. "Like you would not **believe**."

* * *

><p>"So…am I to be believing that this…is going to happen quite often?"<p>

Vert shrugged, not sure of the mechanics of this exactly. All he could do was to wait by the doorway and not wince at the sounds of his spouse bringing up whatever he'd ingested four hours ago. Stanford had already adamantly denied him passage into the bathroom while he was sick like this. While Vert didn't understand it, not totally anyhow, he chalked it up to an issue of image and wanting to keep a certain image of himself in his husband's eyes. Vert thought that was just downright silly, but this was Stanford they were talking about.

For crying out loud…he'd seen him wake up on his bad days.

Tez eyed the door curiously, tempted to knock and make sure that the Brit inside of it hadn't flushed himself down the toilet…or attempted to. "I know they call it morning sickness, but…this is afternoon," he mused. "I'm guessing this is one of those things people leave out of explanations."

"Yep."

"Maybe they should correct that."

"If they did, Tez…no one would have kids."

It was rare to get the Russian to laugh. Vert grinned at him, falling over a little with the light punch he received for it. It was probably the most normal thing that had happened this morning.

He couldn't quite remember what normal was anymore.

It hadn't been quite a few days since their little discovery. Like Stanford surmised, he was placed on reserve without argument aside the one that flared up the next morning when Vert had seen him hunched over in the hood of his car. Vert was naturally worried; Stanford was naturally pissy about his worrying, and the next thing anyone knew there was a wrench flying at Vert's head with choice words about him being insane.

He wasn't insane. Not really. All he wanted to do was keep Stanford from straining himself. If he mentioned wrapping his spouse in bubble wrap and taping him to the bed until the kid was born…then yes, that was probably pushing it a bit, but no one could really blame him for it entirely.

That fight resolved itself within a couple of hours, once Stanford had stopped crying hysterically about his sudden flare up and Vert had apologized for being a bit overprotective. Then it had gone off the deep end when Spinner decided that then was the time to bring in his favorite pizza to munch on while he and Sherman worked on the Buster.

He'd never seen Stanford run so fast to the bathroom in his life…or seen Spinner scream until he fainted after Stanford had let loose all over the front of his suit. Agura was laughing until she was on the floor crying, AJ seconds behind her and Zoom useless over his Chopper. Sherman, though snickering, had hosed Spinner off, which woke the smaller Cortez and had him freaking out all over again.

Spinner and the others had learned the hard way that Stanford was not bloated. He was very pregnant, very emotional, and prone to vomiting at probably the most insane times; like when Spinner brought food anywhere near him. Spinner had to learn that disgusting lesson twice before he vowed to keep his concoctions to himself.

The door opened itself. Vert moved to stand in front of it and catch Stanford as he stumbled out and buried his warm and damp face into the heat of Vert's neck. For some odd reason, he claimed the smell of Vert helped him to alleviate the nausea, which was, again, odd. Vert wasn't going to question it, or change his soap. He really didn't want to be an imitation of Spinner and Stanford's vomit meeting face to face. For this Stanford was grateful, so much so that he didn't bitch about being lifted bridal style and brought back to their chambers to lie down.

See? Compromise. It works!

"Vert…"

"Yes Dear?"

"Is this…why parents guilt their children _so_ **much**?"

"Probably…"

Stanford was quiet a moment. "Let's name them **_Yancy_**. That should be suitable punishment for my stomach rebelling so damn much."

Vert's laughter was cut short by Tez's audible gasp. His communicator was going off like a mad man, hollering until Tez allowed the message to play aloud.

Stanford hadn't seen Tez' face fix itself like that since he'd helped free Tromp and his people get away from the Vandals. Sure enough he heard the call for them, and he sighed irritably as Vert kissed the side of his head. He still placed him in their quarters and dropped a parting kiss on his head, instructing him to stay in the bed and not to move other than to run to the bathroom. He had no problem with that but he couldn't help but to be annoyed when Vert was yanked from the room and all but shoved down the corridor to respond.

Being placed on reserve was not his cup of tea…not when he realized that the Buster had been left behind with Sherman manning the controls with Sage, and Spinner…who wouldn't come near him out of fear of being puked on.

"Ugh, how much longer does this last?" he groaned flopping himself back on his bed. "I just want to stop puking already!"

_"It'll stop soon enough_," Sage answered from wherever she was. It didn't surprise him that Sage had heard and answered him, nor helped his dilemma when his stomach lurched itself again.

He barely made it out of the room when he slammed into none other than Spinner…

"DWAAAAAHhHHH!"

Who, once again, was the target of his ill stomach. Grand.

_"Stanford, if you can manage it, can you come to the central part of the hub?"_ Sage called. _"I have something for you."_

"Only if Sherman brings a mop and bucket…and a therapist for Spinner! " The smaller Cortez was twitching like someone doped up on caffeine and babbling like a loon. "I sure hope Vert's doing better than you…at this rate, Peanut is making you the designated target…"

* * *

><p>"Bested in your own jungle…so much for home advantage, huh?"<p>

Kalus snarled at him. If Vert wasn't so damn busy keeping them from going after Tez, Tromp, and Zoom, he seriously would have turned the Saber around and knocked his little kitty head off. He floored it down the trail of the jungle with AJ and Agura behind him, cursing when he realized that only half of the vandals were behind them. There wasn't much he could do about that now.

"Vert?"

"Yes Agura?"

"I've been looking up some remedies for Stanford's…ah…morning illness, and I think I found something that will keep him from projectile vomiting all over Spinner."

"They were lying when they called it morning sickness," Vert muttered. "More like whenever he smells something that doesn't agree with him…which is just about everything but tea and crackers. I'm worried he's going to get dehydrated…"

"Well boss-man, you have two choices," AJ said. "You can either keep Spinner and his concoctions away from Stanford until he gets a handle on Peanut's presence, or you can get Spinner a hazmat suit."

"Choice B sounds really cool…but I'm going with Choice A."

"Aw…and I so wanted to see if they had a hazmat suit in his size," Agura mock pouted.

Their conversation was cut short by the incoming projectile from in front of them. Vert screamed for everyone to take cover, ducking into the brush of the jungle and stopping to observe the madness when Kalus didn't pursue them. Grimian was on the scene, with red Sark behind him, challenging the overgrown furball for leadership, **again**.

It was no secret that a couple of weeks back they had an incident with a certain monkey and his conniving ways. Vert seriously wanted to let the simian do as he pleased and run the Vandal Kalus through with his car, but knowing the Reds was backing him? No, it was just too…no.

They'd helped the big cat out then, not that there was much choice in the matter. Kalus was the lesser of two evils, and one that learned to put on proper armor after the other ugly…**incident** involving Vert's inadvertent celibacy and Kalus trying to hone in on what Vert had yet to tap. Instead of the loin cloth, he now wore full armor at all times. Vert might have threatened to tear those things off in the heat of the moment, and Kalus might have remembered that when he pointed that finger at them telling them to leave. Who knew? Who cared?

Vert didn't. He was rooting for Grimian to trounce that Tiger.

"Vert, you're going to let them fight it out?" Agura asked, hoped, prayed.

"Pfft, YES."

AJ pumped his fist in the air. "Good answer, bruh!"

"Thank you. That should keep them busy for a while…so let's see if the rest of the team needs a hand. Engage stealth mode."

"Engaging…but seriously, Vert," Agura mused, "Are you all that upset over Spinner being the target of choice?"

"Oh, hell no. It's better him than me! I mean, I love my spouse, but I think he knows me better than I know myself…which is probably the other reason he won't let me near him when he's emptying his stomach."

"Poor Stanford…I hope that passes soon…"

"I'm sure he's hoping that too."

* * *

><p><strong><span>A little later:<span>**

"Hey Stanford," Zoom greeted, "I kinda missed you."

"Ha! Of course you didn't," Stanford laughed. "But there was no way I was going to Vandal…and you'd better not even think about it Vert Wheeler!"

"I wasn't going to do anything!" Vert cried. "I mean, it's just bubble wrap…"

"Bubble Wrap Peanut when they get here, not my baby on wheels…or me for that matter…"

That horrid sound Stanford had familiarized himself with was heard. He jerked backwards, horror on his face when the Splitwire revealed that it had a passenger aboard! One of those horrid mosquitoes had hitched a ride back, and while Stanford was ever so glad that the Vandal home world was not a travel spot any longer, he didn't need to be reminded by getting bit one more time!

"Oh no you don't!"

Zoom leapt up and smacked that thing down with a kick, right into the path of Vert's boot. That thing met its end with a sickening squish that had everyone gagging in one way or another.

Except Stanford. He was breathing in relief instead of puking his guts up, which was a vast improvement in his book.

"Well, that's the end of that," Vert grimaced. "I suggest we all call it a day…and wash. Thoroughly."

"Speaking of wash," Zoom said looking about, "Where's Spinner and Sherman?"

"I believe Spinner is hiding from Stanford," Sage answered. "Sherman is running an errand for me and should be back soon enough. In the meantime, Stanford, could you please return the armor? I think I have enough data to correct the situation temporarily."

She didn't have to ask him twice. He removed his chip and the armor with it, breathing in satisfaction when everything was allowed to find normalcy in its new state of being. That Armor had never been that tight before, or made him so uncomfortable that he had been begging to get out of it before the others had come back from their last mission. Peanut certainly appreciated not being in that stuffy suit. Stanford felt relatively better as Vert made his way over to greet him properly.

"What situation are we talking about?" Vert asked.

He hoped Vert wasn't going to freak out about this. "The situation where I might be needed regardless of how much I may want to stay here taped to the bed," Stanford said, gauging his spouse's reaction. All he got was the slight upturn of Vert's right brow, which was code for explain quickly before things were misunderstood. "Sage is modifying my armor and my car to protect me better in case I have to jump in. So…in a sense, you do get your bubble wrap…only it's not as ugly."

"You're—"

"I know. Still on reserve…but I don't mind it. My stomach actually thanks you."

Stanford was getting a little too good at reading him. It was an endearing trait that had him kissing his cheek playfully. "…how's that by the way? Any better?"

"The same…but…I think Spinner hates it more than I do."

Zoom crowed with laughter, having already come to the obvious conclusion. "Dude, did you projectile vomit on him again? Oh man, Peanut doesn't like him!"

"On the contrary…Peanut likes to make a mess of him…and I'm not sure WHY but I'm guessing Vert isn't objecting."

Of course he wasn't. He wasn't insane. Babies involved pooped up diapers, spittle, and other messes that didn't need to be thought of or dealt with until the baby was actually here. Any mess he could avoid he was glad for, even if he felt a little bad for Spinner.

"Vert…"

"Hmm? Oh no…no! Make way!"

Stanford shoved him out of the way, getting about ten paces in before it was just too much. He let it go near the work benches, grabbing the only thing available that looked like a sack and would keep him from ruining the floor. What he didn't realize until it was much too late, was that the bag belonged to whom else?

Vert winced and tried not to moan. "Oh…shit…"

"Nope. Vomit. Who's going to tell Spinner that Stanford vomited in his pride and joy?" Tez inquired.

"I vote Vert!" Zoom exclaimed. "That's the husband's job, not ours."

"Oh thanks so much," Vert sneered.

"Welcome!"

"I vote we trash it and replace it before he notices it," Agura announced. Stanford looked like he was done, but she waited half a beat to take the bag from his trembling hands and not look in it. She was pretty sure a certain gaming console was in there and probably scrapped by now. "oh man…Spinner's going to freak…"

"Freak out about what?"

It was like slow motion destruction. Agura, startled by Spinner's sudden appearance, tossed the bag upwards. Anyone who was aware of what was in that bag ran to get away from it, except Spinner reaching out to grab the thing out of midair.

He did catch it, but he caught the bottom the bag…

"Oh…my…GOD!"

…and emptied the contents on his shoes.

"Well…at least his game wasn't in there," AJ mused. "But there is an ungodly amount of sanitizer in there…"

"I think his brain is in there as well," Zoom waved a hand over spinner's face and watched him fall backwards to pass right out. "…maybe it's his cologne."

Whatever it was, it wasn't helping anyone, least of all Stanford scrambling to get to the bathroom properly.

* * *

><p>Did anyone see how I incorporated the next to last episode! :)<p>

Anyhow, onto other projects. Another update is in the works!


	7. Mishap 7

**_AN:_**

_Dedicated to all those who review. :)_

_This story is taking a temp hiatus as school is getting into the last bits of itself and projects and crap like that gets in the way. but, I'm so close to my associates that I can smell it. SO...gotta do what I gotta do._

_And yes, I am aware that I pick on Spinner, but I love him to death. :) He's soooo funny! lol_

_Oh, and I'm issuing a public apology for saying that there are no good fics in this fandom. There are a few good fics in this fandom. A few. You know who you are, and if I haven't favorited a story, I really haven't read it thoroughly yet. _

_That being said... dialogue is half the story. In any story I read, I expect more than dialogue. (I say this because in another fandom, I was picking through the promising looking titles and they LIED to me with their promise of potential. *sadness*)_

_I'm off to read some BF5 fics that I've been made aware of. :) Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><em>Fluctuation of those things called Hormones<em>

_a.k.a._

_What not to mention to a pregnant Stanford_

* * *

><p>"Shit, dude, you're in such trouble!"<p>

"What? What? Come on, all I said was that he...was…you know, showcasing a _little_. I didn't mean anything by it!"

"Oh no? Vert's gonna kill you, then us!"

"Wait, why would he kill you?"

"Because we weren't watching you!"

Spinner yelped the moment he heard it. The sound of the hub opening to allow Vert back in. He jumped right into Zoom's arms, who—annoyed by the thought of being killed—dropped him like hot coal. The others were highly used to the usual antics of their team, but there had been a major directional shift in the hierarchy. Vert unequivocally was the leader, and Agura was his second in command without say…on the battlefield. At home, when there was nothing going on and nothing concerning their concluding war, he was all about Stanford and keeping the redhead calm.

Stanford was a trigger hair of emotions. Not that he wasn't before but the emotions had bundled down to the usual pompous arrogance tapered down by his playful nature. He wasn't a snob by choice, but by ingrained behavior, and a year or two around the rest of them had peeled down those walls and allowed the true insecure but determined Stanford to emerge. He got along fine with the others, argued with them as well, but overall admired and appreciated them.

That hadn't changed…much. Stanford was still Stanford—

"Vert!"

—but Stanford pregnant? Well, he was…a lot more emotional…and insecure….and prone to sobbing.

Vert hated seeing that more than anything because it made him feel helpless. Stanford was also stubborn and once he thought something it took him a while to change his mind about it. These days Stanford was more than upset about his appearance, which struck the blonde dumbfounded but he didn't argue about it. He really didn't see how until Stanford pointed it out this morning with a plea for something to settle his nerves.

He'd left the hub with firm instructions to the others NOT to mention anything different about Stanford and went to get a pizza from Zeke's.

Unfortunately, Spinner forgot about Vert's warning…and mentioned that thing he wasn't supposed to, which had Stanford sobbing uncontrollably and hadn't stopped even as Vert hopped out of the car to race over to his spouse.

"Stanford? Oof!"

They went down in a crashing heap that somehow had Vert on the floor holding onto Stanford trying to shove all of himself into the space of his arms. That was quite impossible. The urge was quelled when he wrapped his arms firmly around Stanford's waist, which was the topic of the hour when he shifted to sit sideways.

Agura shook her head softly at the sight of it. "Wow…he's going to be one of those..."

"One of what?" Tez asked.

"One of those types that look like they never gain a pound and have the cute baby bellies…I'm sorta jealous."

"…what for?"

"Because I know I'm going to have stretch marks."

Tez didn't try to understand it. It hurt his head. Agura couldn't help laughing at him a little and kissing him in apology. "One day you'll understand…and you'll want to erase your memories."

"I have no doubt of it."

The sobbing eventually died down to a sniffle, the occasional tear falling to be kissed away and replaced with reassurance. In the end Stanford was a red nose, red cheeked mess drying his eyes and taking the hyperventilating breath every few moments. He wasn't quite as upset though, even smiling a little when Vert said something only they could hear. With a little help from one another, they got off of the floor and headed for their room.

"So…how long do you think I have before I die?" Spinner asked meekly.

Zoom pretended to think about it. "I'd say…about two minutes."

He didn't even have that long.

He hadn't even gotten to the exit when Vert was calling his name and running after him. Spinner took off, screaming as Vert's long stride caught up to his smaller frame in no time.

The others winced, grimaced, and looked away from the carnage. Spinner's yelps eventually turned to pleas that fell on the deaf ears of their leader contemplating his punishment.

"Um…I think we're going to need a mop," Zoom mused. "He looks like he's about to piss himself..."

"No! No please!" Spinner cried. "Not that, anything but that!"

It was a little late for his cries. Vert had delivered the final blow and left Spinner clinging to his foot as he marched, or tried to march, back towards the center of the room.

"And there he goes," AJ sighed. "I almost feel sorry for Spinner…"

"What, that he doesn't know he was the unwitting volunteer?" Tez smirked. "I certainly wasn't doing it."

"I can't believe Vert would do that…" Agura said. "But I wasn't doing it either."

Sage, confused by the sudden commotion in their little group, tapped Sherman on the shoulder. "Is something the matter?" she asked. "Has something occurred that I am not aware of?"

"Oh, it's nothing," Sherman assured. "Spinner just got the short end of the stick."

"What did he do?"

"He mentioned Stanford's baby belly," Agura chuckled. "And now, Spinner is on diaper duty when the kid gets here. We split up jobs to help them out when Peanut arrives, but no one wanted diaper duty. Vert bet us that if we could refrain from mentioning Stanford's belly and keep his hubby happy, he'd pick up diaper duty without a fuss."

"Spinner just inherited the job, because he lost the bet," Zoom explained. "He'll be all right…after we buy him a hazmat suit…and realize Vert's just getting back at him for the last prank he pulled."

It looked like it would be a while before Spinner realized this. He didn't even realize that Vert was laughing, or that Stanford was giggling helplessly in the doorway.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I fell for that!" Spinner cried. "I was about to have heart failure!"<p>

"I can't believe you fell for it either," Stanford snorted. "I mean, I had that freak out about a week ago when my pants didn't fit…and I just bought them!"

Vert swallowed the piece of pizza in his mouth and kissed Stanford on the cheek. "Now **that** was a meltdown I wouldn't wish on anyone…except that damn overgrown tiger."

"You're still in arms about that?" Agura asked. "I mean, I know why, but the battlefield is closed to Vandal. You'll probably never see him again."

"You said probably."

"Stranger things have happened. Like that time Spinner had to deal with—"

"No NEED to remind me about THAT!" Spinner cried. He shivered and held himself, ignoring the fourth slice of pizza on his plate. "I still get the willies thinking about it."

"Dude, you're so going to need a Hazmat suit when peanut gets here," Zoom smirked. "Kids are like these slobbering drooling things that get their hands in anything and everything."

"We don't really have to worry about that too much until peanut is old enough to do something more than sleep," Vert chuckled. "And kids aren't that bad. We were kids once."

"And our parents wished replicas on ourselves more than once," AJ grinned. Vert grinned sheepishly and said nothing in response. He couldn't quite recall the number of times his dad had said something of that nature. He and AJ got into a lot of trouble when they were younger and their parents couldn't believe half of the things they got into. "Good times, huh?"

"Very good…and if kids are replicas of their parents…"

"Oh no. NO WAY." Stanford put his tea down and stared hard and long at Vert, pointing his finger at the last possible second to indicate that this was not a joking matter. "There is no way in all of Whales that our kid is going to end up like me!" Vert blinked at that, clearly not expecting to hear those words come out of Stanford's mouth. **Ever**. "I mean, I'm one of a kind, but she's not going to be some spoiled brat believing she's royalty, despite our ties to the throne. Hell, I don't even want to bleeding think of how often—just NO."

"Ooookay…"

"I will not have another me or another SIMON walking around this place! It's just not conceivable!"

"Whoa, Stanford, babe…calm it down!" Vert laughed despite the scowl he was given, leaning in to kiss those tightened lips a little looser and more to the relaxed face that soon appeared before him. "Take it easy. I mean, it's all in how you raise them. It's not a guarantee that the kid is going to come out with their nose stuck in the air or trying to steal the keys to my car—"

"Did you—"

"Oh god, yes, but that's not the point!" he said quickly. "What I'm trying to say is that while our kid will have some qualities that are distinctly us through and through, most parents try to raise their kids differently from the way they were raised. Some things will work, other things won't, but as long as our child knows love and affection, and not to take my keys from my jacket because I stupidly left them somewhere within reach, then I think we'll be okay."

Stanford visibly relaxed, leaned into Vert's embrace, and did his best not to sniffle. It wasn't working. "Bleeding hormones…"

"You'll be all right."

"Yeah…and so will you when you spill about stealing your old man's car."

Vert bit into his remaining slice, ignoring the laughter of the others. It was a story to retell, but one he was going to remember for those times he knew their child would test his patience. He wasn't going to tell Stanford about ages seven through twelve. **Ever**. Their child would be in bubble wrap and strapped to the crib until they were twenty one.

"Love?"

"Yes?"

"…can we go to the bookstore?"

* * *

><p>"Why are we going to the book store?"<p>

Vert rolled his eyes and kept walking. "Why else?" Because Stanford had wanted to go. The answer was simple, concise, and had nothing hidden in it. For some reason it confused Spinner so much that he had to look at Stanford roaming about three feet ahead of them and wonder to himself if he'd sniffed something funny. He'd never heard or seen the Brit do anything remotely docile as reading, nor fathomed it to be a part of his lifestyle.

Vert slapped him in the shoulder and shook his head before Spinner could ask the obvious.

"Dude, you are really trying to kill yourself via foot in mouth aren't you?" Zoom snickered.

"What? What did I say?"

"You didn't say anything," Agura sighed. "And we're not going to let you. You know how sensitive Stanford is. Asking certain questions and saying certain things will freak him out more so than he does on a normal day. He's still adjusting to this you know."

"No, I don't know," Spinner groused, "and I wasn't going to say anything remotely in relation to Stanford and his sudden obsession with going to the book store…which is still friggin' weird!"

"Bro, you without a game in your hands is frigging weird," Sherman remarked, "Yet, here you are."

"My console needs a rest and I need my fingers to be in tip top shape!"

Sherman rolled his eyes at Spinner this time and walked on with AJ close by. The Canadian wasn't saying much, but he didn't have to. His presence said it all, and whether Sherman realized it or not patrons of the mall were steering clear of him. It was the same way Vert was when Stanford had stopped inches from the corridor that would lead to the book store, enraptured by something he saw in the window of a shop. A guy was fast approaching, Stanford unaware of it.

Vert slid aside him so fast that it looked like he popped out of nowhere, startling both Stanford and the guy that had been approaching. Stanford didn't mind. He was too busy pointing out something while melting into the groove of Vert's arm curling around his waist. That guy, whoever he was, turned around so fast that Spinner was wondering if he had whiplash. It was scary how protective those two were about their significant others, so scary that Spinner actually yelped when Zoom patted his shoulders to get him to stop.

"Whoa, dude…what's up with the screaming?"

"N-nothing. Just…thinking about…something," Spinner said vaguely. "Um…I was thinking that I should…like…really watch what I say from now on. I might end up on the extinct list right alongside the dinosaurs…"

"…have you been eating something funny again?"

"No! I just…well…that is…Hey, where did everyone go?"

Zoom laughed at him and turned him around to the window everyone had stopped at. "They didn't go anywhere. You, on the other hand, kept doing that stare walk thing you do when you're thinking too hard."

"I do a stare walk thing?"

"Chyah."

"…why don't people tell me these things? And anyhow, what's with the window? I thought we were going to the bookstore, and I still don't know WHY."

"Um…I want to say that they're staring at something wicked right now, but…I don't think _Carter's_ does wicked."

Sure enough when Spinner looked up, they were standing in front of a well known store for their baby related merchandise. Moms were going in with their kids and dragging the fathers along for the ride, or gushing over something that was too cute for proper words. Agura was getting close to that stage. He could see it in her face when she pointed out a little outfit that had Stanford smiling and looking at Vert beaming like the proud papa to be he was. Even Tez was getting in on it, though his statements were more about the quality and validity of the fabrics and patterns and not wanting peanut to have low brain simulation from something too dull for words.

It made Spinner's head hurt in ways he couldn't quite understand.

"Spinner?"

"Yeah Zoom?"

"You're okay with this, right?"

"Yeah dude…" And he was. He'd seen too much shit in his life not to be okay with something like this popping up out of nowhere. "…**that**," he said pointing at their cooing friends, "has nothing to do with my demeanor."

"Well then, what's the problem?"

"Honestly? I'm worried."

"Worried?"

"Yeah. You know, worried for them…for us…for a lot of things. Things are going to change…and I don't want them to change so much that I don't recognize you guys. I mean…Zoom, Stanford **wants** to go to the **bookstore**."

"Yeah, that is a little weird," Zoom admitted. "But he only wants to go and get one of those books pregnant moms live by. It's not like he wants to go and buy a library. He's still Stanford."

"I guess…I don't know man. I'm probably getting worked up for nothing."

Zoom patted his friend on the shoulder. "You're getting worked up because Stanford is your friend, despite him projectile vomiting on you." Spinner openly grimaced and pelted Zoom in his laughing side. "No worries, Spinner. It's natural to worry."

It might have been natural to worry, but it was not natural to know when Stanford was about to go off the deep end in sob-ville. He heard it long before he saw it. It was like a warning shot in the middle of an open field and the last chance to run before someone opened fired on whatever moving target was within sight. Spinner spun from Zoom and ran for the commotion, three seconds from the muffled bawling erupting against Vert's shoulder.

"What happened?"

"We're not sure," Agura said. "I mean, this woman had said something about one of the outfits being cute, but not wanting to buy it just yet."

"Why would she say that?" Zoom asked from behind Spinner. "That shouldn't have upset him, right?"

Spinner didn't have to put two and two together to know what that woman meant. He was well versed in superstitions and odd habits to know what she was alluding to without saying it and assuming that the others knew what she meant. They didn't, but he was sure Stanford knew. It was the only reason he would be crying so hard without telling anyone why.

He walked up to the crying Brit and patted his back gently. "Hey, don't buy into that crock," he said firmly but softly enough for it to catch Stanford's attention. He wiped his face, unable to stop the tears but still stared at Spinner looking up at him with a small smirk. "My grandma used to spew that kind of crap to my mom. My mom did it anyhow…and she got me AND Sherman."

"I think one's **enough**," Stanford sniffled. "…oh god, I can't stand crying at a whim's notice…"

"Dude, are you kidding? We can totally work that to our favor! I mean, you start crying, Vert gets all uppity, AJ backs him up, and BAM…instant gratuitous. I bet you somewhere along the line someone will say something and we will get free shit for it."

The Brit couldn't quite believe that Spinner was so serious about it. It made him laugh, which was a relief to his spouse still holding onto him. "I suppose so," he admitted. "It's probably a guarantee…"

"Well that might be…but what that woman said, or didn't say, isn't."

It took a few more seconds for them to understand what those two were talking about. Tez smacked his forehead when he realized that she was speaking in a way that most mothers did back in his country. They never openly said what they were thinking or what they believed, but the implications had people on edge when the roundabout speeches came into conversations. "People really don't believe that dribble about buying baby clothes early meaning bad luck, do they?" he mused in disbelief. "It is preposterous. Nature has a way of being unpredictable. It has nothing to do with buying clothing for the little malyshka."

"Even so, let's err on the side of caution and wait," Stanford sighed. "But I still want to go to the bookstore."

Spinner couldn't take it another moment. He had to know. "Okay, I have to ask, WHY do you want to go to the bookstore?"

Stanford wiped his face a little more and said, "Because Grace mentioned this book she'd been reading called '_Mooncalled'_…its part of a series. Since I'm on reserve, I thought I could pass the time doing something else besides the obvious." He missed the sudden shift of Spinner's eyebrows, too occupied with making his face presentable again. "The first book was good. She leant it to me before the wedding."

"…so…you're **not** going to get a pregnancy book?"

"Huh? Do you think I should? I mean, think I have every one downloaded on my E-reader…but maybe I should get one in paperback…just in case…"

Spinner didn't think it was possible to develop an eye-twitch in seven seconds. He also didn't think it was possible for someone to want a death-wish so bad that they would say something vulgar in passing. Some people had enough common sense to keep their lewd thoughts to themselves when they saw someone who was good looking nearby. However, this guy wasn't a practicing technician in the craft and wasn't worried about the four guys that weren't going to take that standing there.

Agura and Stanford were spoken for. There was no leeway to think otherwise. Like the wind switching direction, AJ, Sherman, Vert, and Tez were on that punk so quick that he was running down the corridor before his face was rearranged.

Spinner could only watch, sigh, and leap in fright when Stanford asked where the bathroom was.

* * *

><p><strong>Until next time! :)<strong>


	8. Mishap 8

_AN:_

_Long story short -_

_School, school, moar school, and I forgot I wrote some more of this story. Seriously, I left it alone thinking the last chapter was the last chapter, and it wasn't? Which was just weird, but...hey, I didn't forget about it!_

_I didn't forget about the other one either. I think it had a good point to stop for the moment and I wrote more in that one too. I just...school man, school._

* * *

><p><em>Resounding Reverb<em>

_a.k.a._

_Little moments of Reward_

It was simply amazing. Simply **amazing**. Never in his life had he ever felt this way nor did he ever think that it would ever happen to someone like himself. Of course he meant that in a way that didn't defer back to the reason why he was like this in the first place. If he were to be realistic about it and twist things around to the point where they made sense, he would be faced with two scenarios that played out to the norm of people's minds.

In Scenario one, there would be no BF5. Aliens would still be on the telly ravaging humans in their efforts to take over the earth or possibly trying to make humans understand that they are indeed stupid creatures of habit. He would have been watching the telly, agreeing with the aliens in some shape or form, and Simon and his upstaging self would have ruined the movie, and then they would have been at the other's throats all day. Once the day was over and Simon left to do whatever, Stanford would have ventured out into the city in the opposite direction of his brother and turned up the nightlife until he was too partied out to do anything constructive the next day.

Stanford snorted to himself. He sounded like such a loser in that respect. Scenario one was officially disgusting.

In Scenario two, there would be a BF5. He would still be a member of this very team, but there would have been no hanky panky between him and Vert because they would have been the straight jocks vying for the same girl. They would have clashed over Grace, and then they would have clashed over Agura. They would have either both lost to other men or one of them would have achieved the impossible and scored big time. Had Vert been with Agura, Tez would still be a total invert, and she would have been lying here instead of him thinking about the odd shit he was thinking about right now.

Wait…peanut couldn't hear him mentally curse, right?

Probably not…

Getting back to the second scenario, had the opposite happened, Stanford **knew** that he and Agura would have fought every waking minute before making out, or her slapping him. He and Grace…it would have fizzled itself out before it began. That's the way he saw it if it had been Vert and Grace…

"…you're too quiet."

"Because I'm thinking about nonsense that would have made sense in another universe," he said. "By the way, my brother is an ass, and you and Agura would have made cute biracial babies."

The muffled laughing snort was enough to get Stanford to pry open an eye. The bed dipped. Vert sat beside him, his mouth full of the last bit of food he'd been eating on the way back. Stanford could smell the mustard he'd eaten before he tasted the remnants of that sandwich in a welcoming kiss. "I can't wait to eat food again."

"Pfft, you're not missing anything. Just Za…and even that gets old now and again. Ask Spinner. He actually inhaled one of my sandwiches."

"….Spinner turned down pizza?"

"He said the same thing about you and the bookstore."

Stanford decided not to dwell on that. It was odd, both ways around. "Nothing new?"

"Nope."

"Those bleeding reds are up to something. They're too bloody quiet."

Vert agreed. It wasn't like them to go without going into a battle zone for this long without some type of confrontation with one of their enemies. They could cross Kalus off of their lists now. Not that he couldn't and probably would find a way to barge back into their lives, but right now the Kitty was nowhere in sight. It was probably best for the kitty. He would have made a nice fur rug in the nursery.

Speaking of nurseries…

"Do you want to know what peanut is going to be?" Stanford looked up at him, a little confused until Vert placed his hand gently on the small swell that was the cause for this early afternoon nap. "Sage said she'd be able to tell us soon."

The Brit laid his hand over his spouse's. "I haven't made up my mind about it yet," he confessed. "I'm still finding this a little hard to believe…and I just got over the majority of the crying jig, so swallowing all this now…finding out what peanut will be is like…those blokes with cement poured over them…"

"Interesting analogy."

"I blame my brother…and Spinner's recent dive into old school movies. But you know what I mean, right?"

Vert did know, and he leaned down to kiss the side of Stanford's head to emphasize that feeling. It still felt surreal, knowing that they were going to be parents from some freakish accident that allowed the impossible to become possible. Being real with themselves and the world, this probably never would have been a discussion until their later years in life, and even then that probably would have come about as an "oops" moment as well. However it may have been, he did know what Stanford meant. Their livelihood was sealed in the form of an unborn baby that liked to flutter under their hands as ripples.

"It'll be all right Stanford," he said, kissing him once more. "If anything, we'll be young hip parents…schooled in every book you managed to buy and download."

"Even then, we all know babies don't go by books and instructions," Stanford muttered. "And they make you tired as hell. I've never been this sleepy in all my life."

"You might as well get what rest you can babe. I have a sick feeling that those obnoxious reds are going to do something soon…and knowing our luck…"

"You don't have to say it."

"Then I won't. Now move over. I want a nap, too."

Stanford giggled as Vert made himself comfortable on the bed he'd been dozing on. In no time, he found himself wrapped in those secure arms and tucked under the warm chin, held away from all his anxieties and the weird scenarios that had been playing in his head. He closed his eyes and tried not to gasp too much when peanut fluttered a little harder than she had before.

He fell asleep dreaming of a little girl with bright blue eyes like her father being chased by a rambunctious little boy holding his father's car keys.

* * *

><p>As Vert had predicted, there was a bit of noise from the reds not a week later. As luck would have it, or rather, as Vert had managed to talk into fruition just from mentioning it more than once, AJ was stuck on the sidelines because of maintenance work on the Gear Slammer as well as Zoom. They needed five cars, and Vert could have smacked himself silly thinking about the possible dangers to come.<p>

He'd been hoping to avoid putting Stanford into battle until he was absolutely sure that their child wouldn't be rattled around like beans in a can, which was putting it mildly when he remembered just what the Reverb was built to do. He started to open his mouth, started to say no way in hell, but Sage was already on the circuit and assuring him that she'd made the proper modifications to the reverb and Stanford's battle suit.

When he got a look at Stanford, he had to blink twice. It was as if that small swell of life had vanished without his knowing. The sudden twist in his chest had him blinking unexpectedly hard.

"No worries love," Stanford said as he gingerly hopped into his car, "Peanut is still here. My suit has a force field around the midsection to protect peanut and hide her from prying eyes."

"Stanford—"

"I know, I know. No unnecessary stunts, no jumping into the thick of things, and definitely watch your six without becoming a target. Does that cover it?"

The smug look on his face had Vert rolling his eyes and the others laughing or snickering at his predictability. "Can you blame me?" he asked hopping into the Saber. "I mean, we just got married! I'd like fifty plus years with you before you become a widow."

"Pfft…you'd haunt me regardless."

"True. I love you that much…and I MEAN IT when I say to be careful!"

Vert didn't really have to stress it as much as he did, but that painful twist in his heart still had him jumpier than usual. He didn't want to think about it, define it, or reason with why it had come and stayed, so he focused his attention on getting to and through the storm shock while trying not to ask Stanford if he was all right every five minutes.

It was hard, harder still when they came to the source of the noise the Reds were making and they found a massive drill in the midst of a fire filled planet of lava.

Everyone who was on the team was treated to the mind blowing explicit verbal bout of disgust from the blonde. Spinner actually rubbed his ears, slightly appalled and highly impressed and disturbed that something like that could come out of Vert's mouth. It was needless to say that Vert was not in the least bit happy, which was why it was vital to take out the reds and that damn drill—whatever it was for— before Vert had heart failure from worry.

"Vert!"

"Yeah Sherman?"

"Bad news…very fucking bad news! That thing is drilling for the core of the planet!" Sherman cried in alarm. "Those reds were using that time to build this monstrosity in order to hit the core!"

"Wait, what?!" Agura cried. "Why would they do that?"

"Who knows," Vert said. "Guys, we need to take out that drill!"

"Before it hits the core!" Sherman added.

"Or this battle zone will go nuclear!" Spinner cried.

Kyburi chose that time to leap in shove herself in Agura's face, which wasn't sitting well with the Tangler. The fire balls coming from another red wasn't on the "things that Vert wanted to deal with" list. He avoided that blaze as Tangler smashed its claws into the top of Kyburri's Vehicle and tossed it like a wet rag over its shoulders and into the pit. Vert was hoping that evil wench would hit the lava so they could hurry up and go back home.

"You know, I would really like to know why Krytus is always up your ass," Spinner remarked.

Vert didn't know. Vert summed it up to him being the leader, purposely not going where Spinner had gone and turned around from with haste. It was just too horrid for him to let enter in his mind.

There was a lot of yelling, the usual fighting, and then…there was the imminent explosion they were fearful of which resulted in the destruction of that force. Kryten unnecessarily announced that the drill had penetrated the core but had the decency to announce just how long they had until everything blew itself to bits. Of course that only sparked Krytus to announce that they had lost the battle and were about to lose the war, to which Vert promptly snarled and thought about shoving his saw somewhere unpleasant on the red nuisance. He didn't have a chance to act on it. The world was breaking apart beneath their cars and the planet was short on time and patience.

Of course it wouldn't have been a proper misadventure if something didn't happen.

"Whoa!"

"Vert!"

"Shit, shit, SHIT!"

The rock bridge beneath him had rocked upward and fell apart in pieces. What lie beneath wasn't ground but steaming hot lava that would eat his car from the outside in and cook him long before he could properly scream about it.

"Holy, fu—NO! Splitwire, and Buster, fuse it up!" Agura instructed. "NOW!"

She launched the fuser, watching anxiously as the two vehicles rushed through and became the shatter bolt. Did she know something they didn't, because Sherman surely didn't see HOW this was going to help anything. As his older brother Spinner so surely put it, "We don't have wings!"

Tez looked at them idly and pushed something on the console. Before either of them knew it, they were hovering, Vert was in their grip, and they were shooting back up to safety in time to remember that they still had time to die properly if they didn't move.

"Move, Move, MOVE!" Vert directed, taking off as soon as that drill vanished from his sight. He spied the Tangler in the lead with reverb right behind her. He stayed right on the tail of the Reverb, never gladder in his entire life that Stanford had a lead foot at times like this. Whatever was behind them was seconds from shredding them to bits and would have had the portal not closed just as the Shatterbolt not edged out right before it could smack that hard backside.

Outside of the portal, shaken, Vert unlatched the hatch to his car and screamed, "What in the HELL was THAT!?"

"I think that's my line," Spinner said.

"Why on earth would they blow UP a battlezone?!" Agura cried.

"We can find out when we get back," Vert instructed. "For now, I'm going to sit here, hug my steering wheel, and prepare myself for a future funeral."

The others watched him as he slumped down and did exactly as he said, unsure of why he was planning his own death. He'd just escaped it didn't he?

They were thoroughly reminded that Vert did have a waiting death wish in the form of Stanford rolling up to keep his car idling next to the Saber. The Brit didn't take to kindly to his friends and family getting hurt, and they'd already seen what he'd been capable of when he was under the assumption that they were in serious trouble. Vert could be just as bad, they'd seen so in the past couple of weeks, but Stanford was a whole new ballgame when it came to being upset.

Agura slid downward into her seat, praying that this wasn't going to get as ugly as it could. Spinner gripped the back of Sherman's seat anxiously. Sherman was busy trying to decipher if Stanford's silence was one of rage or one leading to a complete meltdown in which they would probably have to restrain him. Tez was monitoring the vital signs within the suit Stanford was wearing, amazing that his blood pressure hadn't moved an inch upward.

Stanford took a deep breath, let it out, and promptly said, "I'm not going to kill you."

Vert lifted his head a bit and stared at the image of Stanford glaring his way through the monitor. "You're not?"

"No. I'm going to kill Krytus, **slowly**, and then I'm going to hurt you severely the day peanut arrives. Until then, you are my slave, you do as I say, and YOU WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN IF YOU CAN HELP IT!"

With that said, he jammed his foot into the gas pedal and took off in the direction of the hub. The others, left in the dust of his sudden departure, could only gape at Vert idly rubbing the back of his head. "That…could have been worse, yeah?"

"Let's NOT jinx it!" Spinner cried. "If you love us, and I know you do, oh dear leader, you'll hightail it after your spouse and promise NOT to do it AGAIN."

"Well, try…"

"Whatever! Let's just go so we can figure out WHY they BLEW UP a BATTLEFIELD."

* * *

><p>Getting back to the base didn't take long, and neither did trying to discover what the Reds were really up to. Vert, already trying to calm himself for the inevitable virtual backhand he was going to get in private for almost accidentally dying felt his blood pressure rise right back up when the situation pressed itself on his shoulders. They couldn't stop it from happening, and the only way to stop it was to do something he'd been silently dreading for the past couple of months. He tried not to rub the back of his neck, staring at Zoom asking if he thought that the others were ready to hear the truth.<p>

Leave it to Spinner to pop in when private conversations were meant to be private.

And of course when the truth was out, Stanford was not happy.

Once the initial meeting was over, everyone who had any common sense left the room. Vert was tempted to follow, but his feet wouldn't allow him and neither would the fiery gaze of the Brit sitting on the couch with his arms crossed over his chest. Vert was still unnerved at the fact that his suit hid peanut that well. That twist in his chest was back. It must have shown on his face. Stanford was up and holding his shoulders, concern under his ire. Vert hadn't even realized his own hand had flown to his chest, squeezing over the area of his heart and swearing that the muscle would fly out if he let go.

"That suit works too fucking well…"

"Sage does her job well," Stanford remarked softly. "And so do you."

Vert thought there would be a little more heat behind that remark. He looked up and could see the ire dying a little more with every breath, replaced by that overwhelming feeling that threatened to crush Vert from the inside out when Stanford had briefly considered leaving him. It was the fear…the fear of knowing where this was going to end and just how serious this had gotten…knowing that he was going to have to take his team into this final battle and pray to whoever was up there that no one would be hurt this day…especially a little life that hadn't asked to be caught up in the middle of this…

"Stanford, I'm sorry, I—"

"I'm not angry Vert…" He wasn't?! Vert wasn't buying it for a second, but Stanford wasn't lying about it, or rather, the direction that anger was directed at. "Not angry in the sense that you withheld information for the safety of more an entire civilization…but I am angry that this had to happen right now…right when life is just a little too complicated and I want nothing more than to sit in a bubble and properly pop."

Vert stared at Stanford. "When did you get so good at openly reading thoughts I hadn't quite thought of?"

"The same way you became a great leader…practice."

"….you're not going to sit this one out, are you."

"No more than you sitting back and letting that red freak do what he wants. And, save the speeches," he said, moving to kiss Vert softly on the lips. "I've heard them this morning, and you can take your same warnings and slap them on yourself."

"That's not what you wanted to say."

That might have been, but thinking about last week and the books he had been reading in his downtime had Stanford chuckling lightly at his own paranoia. "I'm trying to keep the adult exposure to a minimum love. She's going to hear me sooner or later, and I don't want her turning her little head my way whenever I have a cursing fit."

"So I get to be the potty mouth?"

"You get to be the one I point at when I'm telling her not to repeat something."

"You think it's a girl?"

"It…seems natural…and besides," he said taking Vert's hands, "the females on my side of the family fist pump."

It was a little off putting to find his hands slightly above the visible suit that eluded from the hidden small swell they'd unexpectedly come to anticipate, but Vert forgot about that when he felt the small nudge of something that surely wasn't gas against his hand. He pressed a little more, gently, and got a firmer nudge for his invasion.

"I'm not looking forward to when she really gets into it…oof!"

Vert didn't quite care. He was too busy hugging the life out of the one man that managed to turn his world upside down and inside out from the moment he'd laid eyes on him. Feeling Stanford press into him made that knot that had been forming in the middle of his chest loosen until he felt nothing more than the fire he knew to burn when he wanted to protect someone or something precious. He could not hesitate. Whatever reservations or expectations he had about the coming battle could no longer interfere with what he knew needed to be done.

The war had to end, one way or another.

"…Stanford…"

"I know Vert…and I love you too, but we have to move before Spinner does actually figure out that we are indeed planning a surprise Birthday party for him."

"How long…"

"Three seconds."

The leader in red straightened himself out, reached behind him, and found Spinner not three steps from where he'd reached to choke him from behind. The smaller Cortez had come in to ask a question and couldn't quite resist seeing how long he could stand behind Vert without him knowing. It was a game he often played and could often get away with if others were willing. It usually resulted in some laughs and the tension of the day drowning away. Today, Stanford was feeling a little un-sportsman like and his source of amusement would be Spinner running for his life. Spinner spun and ran like he was on fire with Vert screaming for him to come back and take his punishment like a man.

Stanford, watching the commotion, unconsciously rubbed his stomach. "Your father is going to be the death of me," he said absently.

Peanut nudged against his hand in agreement.

* * *

><p>See? I'm trying to keep to the script...although, the script kind of, dies...after this? In canon?<p>

*shrugs* More in a little bit.


End file.
